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Little Known Feline Ailments
(author
unknown)
COLLAPSIBLE
LEGS
Symptoms:
The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though
cheek-marking the concrete, carpet, etc. After several such maneuvers,
the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat
waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment:
This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and
rubbing gently. There are side-effects though some feline sufferers
attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after
prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat
which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely
suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.
* * * * *
SNUDGING
Symptoms:
The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily
available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek
are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing, etc. This condition gets its
name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may
well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in
soggy clothing.
Treatment:
Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10
minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off
snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the
most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or
telephone call.
* *
* * *
BED-HOGGING
Symptoms:
The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It
then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest
possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or
on the pillow. It is highly contagious -- any other cats on the bed
will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment:
The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is
morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands.
Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can
easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds.
Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously
off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last
up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who
was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company
during this time).
* *
* * *
IRRITABLE
LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms:
The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading,
kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and
turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking
magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone, etc.
Treatment:
Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing
(literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer
otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the
lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable
Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable,
although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.
* *
* * *
LAP
FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms:
Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all
planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high
volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is
highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap
simultaneously.
Treatment:
Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt
treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the
worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually
exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically
through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.
* *
* * *
SMURGLING
Symptoms:
Varied: sucking at clothing, owner's earlobes/ nose/fingers/skin,
drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high
volume purring.
Treatment:
Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from
around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of
large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.
* *
* * *
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms:
Random dashes running helter-skelter through house in
pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible
entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel
that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering
from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor
danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles
such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are
naturally immune.
Treatment:
None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears
unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat
engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously,
perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating
creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior
sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.
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