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JOKES
ABOUT CATS
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- Can a cat play
patty-cake? Pawsibly!
- Can anything be
smarter than a cat that can count? Yes,
a spelling bee!
- Did you hear about
the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He
set a new lap record.
- Did you hear about
the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She
had mittens.
- How did a cat take
first prize at the bird show? He
just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
- How do cats eat
spaghetti? The same as everyone else
- they put it in their mouths!
- How do cats end a
fight? They hiss and make up.
- How do you know if
your cat has eaten a duckling? She's
got that down in the mouth look!
- How do you know that
cats are sensitive creatures? They
never cry over spilt milk!
- How do you know when
your cat has been using your computer? When your mouse has teeth marks on it!
- How do you spell cat
backwards? C-A-T-B-A-C-K-W-A-R-D-S!
- How do you spell
mousetrap in just three letters? C-A-T!
- How do you stop a
ten-pound parrot from talking too much? Buy a twenty-pound cat!
- How does a cat count?
One, mew, three!
- How does a cat sing
scales? Do-ri-me-ow!
- How does the cat get
its own way? With friendly
purrsuasion.
- How is a cat laying
down like a coin? Because he has his
head on one side and his tail on the other!
- How is cat food sold?
Usually purr can!
- How many cats can you
put into an empty box? Only one.
After that, the box isn't empty.
- If a cat can jump
five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
- If a cat is a flabby
tabby, then what is a very small cat? An
itty bitty kitty.
- If lights run on
electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
- If there are ten cats
on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
- In what kind of
weather is a vet the busiest? When
it's raining cats and dogs!
- In which month do
cats meow the least? February - it's
the shortest month.
- Is it bad luck if a
black cat follows you? That depends
on whether you're a man or a mouse.
- On what should you
mount a statue of your cat? A
caterpillar!
- What cat purrs more
than any other? Purrsians!
- What did one cat say
to another? Have you heard the mews
today!
- What did the cat do
when he swallowed some cheese? He
waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
- What did the cat say
when he lost all his money? I'm paw!
- What did the freshman
computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had
mice? Don't you have a cat?
- What did the mouse
say when the cat bit his tail? That's
the end of me!
- What do baby cats
wear? Dia-purrs!
- What do cat actors
say on stage? Tabby or not tabby!
- What do cats like
best on a hot day? Mice cream!
- What do cats like to
eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
- What do cats read in
the morning? Mewspapers!
- What do cats use to
make coffee? A purrcolator.
- What do you call a
cat that has just eaten a whole duck? A
duck filled fatty puss!
- What do you call a
cat that lives in an igloo? An
eskimew.
- What do you call a
cat that sucks on lemons? A sour
puss!
- What do you call a
cat wearing shoes? Puss in boots!
- What do you call a
loving cat bite? Cat nip!
- What do you call
kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
- What do you call the
cat that was caught by the police? The
purrpatrator.
- What do you do with a
blue Burmese? Try and cheer it up a
bit!
- What do you get if
cross a cat with a canary? Shredded
tweet!
- What do you get if
cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese? A
Peking Tom!
- What do you get if
you cross a cat and a gorilla? An
animal that puts you out a night!
- What do you get if
you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A sourpuss!
- What do you get if
you cross a cat with a canary? A
peeping tom!
- What do you get if
you cross a cat with a parrot? A
carrot!
- What do you get if
you cross a cat with a tree? A
cat-a-log!
- What do you get if
you cross a cat with Father Christmas? Santa Claws!
- What do you get when
you cross a chick with an alley cat? A
peeping tom.
- What do you get when
you cross an elephant with a cat? A
big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes
you.
- What do you say to
your cat when you go out? Have a
mice day!
- What do you use to
comb a cat? A catacomb.
- What does a cat call
a bowl of mice? A purrfect meal!
- What does a cat call
a bowlful of mice? A purrr-fect meal!
- What does a cat do
when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
- What does a cat like
to eat on a hot day? A mice cream
cone.
- What does a cat that
lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
- What does a sour puss
eat? Crab meat!
- What drinks milk,
meows, and has eight legs? An
octo-puss!
- What grade did the
cat get on his test? He got a
Purrrr-fect score!
- What happened when
the cat ate a ball of wool? She had
mittens!
- What happened when
the cat went to the flea circus? He
stole the whole show!
- What happens when two
cats want the same dish of food? They
get into a phsssssst fight!
- What has more lives
than a cat? A frog - it croaks all
the time!
- What is a cat's
favorite car? The Catillac.
- What is a cat's
favorite color? Purrrrrrrple!
- What is a cat's
favorite movie? "The Sound of
Mewsic."
- What is a cat's
favorite party game? Mews-ical
chairs!
- What is a cat's
favorite song? Three Blind Mice
- What is a cat's
favorite subject in school? HISStory.
- What is a cat's way
of keeping law & order? Claw
Enforcement.
- What is a favorite
cat tale? The Tortoiseshell and the
Hair!
- What is a French
cat's favorite pudding? Chocolate
mouse!
- What is another name
for a cat's home? A scratch pad.
- What is another way
to describe a cat? A heat seeking
missile!
- What is the best
award a cat can earn? The
Purr-litzer prize.
- What is the cat's
favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
- What is the cat's
favorite TV show? The evening mews!
- What is the
difference between a cat and a comma? One
has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the
pause.
- What is the name of
the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
- What is white,
sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea? A catameringue!
- What kind of cat
should you take into the desert? A
first aid kitty!
- What kind of cat will
keep your grass short? A lawn meower.
- What kind of cats
purrs the best? Purrrrr-sians!
- What looks like half
a cat? The other half!
- What newspapers do
cats read? The Daily Mews!
- What side of the cat
has the most fur? The OUT-side.
- What sport do cats
play? Hairball!
- What time is it when
12 cats chase a mouse? 12 after 1!
- What works in a
circus, walks a tightrope and has claws? An acrocat!
- What would you call a
cat that likes to dig on the beach? Sandy
Claws.
- What's a cat's
favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
- What's happening when
you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
- What's the unluckiest
kind of cat to have? A catastrophe!
- What's worse than
raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi
cabs!
- When the cat's
away....? The house smells better!
- Where does a cat go
when it loses its tail? The retail
store.
- Where is one place
that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your
lap.
- Which is the cats'
all-time favorite song? "Three Blind
Mice."
- Which side of a cat
has more hair? The outside, of course!
- Who helped
Cinderella's cat go to the ball? Her
furry godmother!
- Who was the most
powerful cat in China? Chairman
Miaow!
- Why are cats longer
in the evening than they are in the morning? Because they're let out in the evening and
taken in in the morning!
- Why are cats better
than babies? Because you only have
to change a litter box once a day.
- Why are cats such
good singers? Because they're very
mewsical.
- Why did a person with
an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
- Why did the cat cross
the road? It was the chicken's day
off!
- Why did the cat frown
when she passed the hen house? Because
she heard fowl language!
- Why did the cat join
the Red Cross? Because she wanted to
be a first-aid kit!
- Why did the cat put
oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
- Why did the cat put
the letter "M" into the fridge? Because
it turns "ice" into "mice"!
- Why did the cat run
from the tree? Because it was afraid
of the bark!
- Why did the cat sleep
under the car? Because she wanted to
wake up oily!
- Why did the judge
dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of
purrjury.
- Why did the litter of
communist kittens become capitalists? Because
they finally opened their eyes.
- Why do cats chase
birds? For a lark!
- Why do people love
cats? Because they are purrrrr-fect!
- Why do tomcats fight?
Because they like
raising a stink!
- Why do you always
find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
- Why happened when the
cat swallowed a coin? There was some
money in the kitty!
- Why is the cat so
grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
- Why was the cat so
small? Because it only drank
condensed milk!
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The Cat and The Husband
A man absolutely
hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving
him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived
home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The
next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He
kept taking the cat further and further, but
the cat would always beat
him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right,
then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he
reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the
cat there.
Hours
later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes",
the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
"I'm lost," says the
man, "and I need the cat to give me directions home."
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Pun with Words
- Cat Scan: to look for
a new cat.
- Cataclysm: any great
upheaval in a cat's life.
- Catatonic: a feline
medicinal drink.
- Caterpillar: a soft
scratching post for a cat.
- Dog: a cat's device
for running practice.
- Door: something a cat
always wants to be on the other side of.
- Energy: the element
of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play
with them.
- Human: an automatic
door opener for cats.
- Impurrsonate: to act
like the cat.
- Purrade: an organized
march of cats.
- Purradise: the garden
of Cats.
- Purramour: a cat
lover.
- Purranoia: the fear
that your cat is up to something.
- Purraphernalia: a
cat's personal belongings.
- Purrch: any favored
feline napping spot.
- Purrchase: anything
bought for a cat.
- Purrfume: the scent
of an open can of tuna.
- Purrgatory: a
houseful of kittens.
- Purrmission: a feline
hunting expedition.
- Purrpetual:
everlasting feline love.
- Purrplex: a house
with two or more cats.
- Purrson: a male
kitten.
- Purrsuit: the garment
your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an
important meeting.
- Purrverse: a poem
about a wicked kitty.
- Tooraloorailurophobia:
an irrational fear of Irish cats.
- Tuner: sonar-like
device in cat food that causes cats to appear.
- Yawn: a cat's honest
opinion openly expressed.
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