If you have to throw
up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to
an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
Determine
which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. They won't
dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange
to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
For sitting on laps or rubbing
against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own.
Always accompany guests to
the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
For guests who say, "I love
kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a
quick nip on the ankles.
Do
not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs
and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary
to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door
opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This
is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
If
one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book
readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book
itself.
For
ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach
out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped
stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
For people doing homework,
sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time,
push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at
a time.
When it becomes time to dislodge
a fur ball, choose the dining room at dinner time.
When
your owner returns home laden with packages, fall down in front of them
-- this works best on steps, all the better if the individual is proceeding
downward. There is always the chance you may get stepped on, but this usually
guarantees a fall and it you milk their guilt that follows it is usually
worth it.
Should you run into a closed
sliding glass door or do anything stupid, never let on as much and go about
your business as if "I meant to do that."
If
you allow a dog to share your domain you are in luck. Should you tatter
the drapes or destroy anything for which you fear retribution, wait until
your owner (misnomer if there ever was one) is nearby, slap the dog and
run for it. Dogs are stupid and will accept blame for anything. If this
ruse should fail simply run and hide. No one really expects to catch a
cat.
Chase, frolic, and run from
invisible entities. The why doesn't matter, it is just expected.
Get enough sleep during the
daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.
Final Note: ALWAYS walk ON the
keyboard!
