By the way, I see the "rules" as evolving over a period of time, hence their formatting instead of a straight list, as it was originally written.  Below is the history of the piece as well. 
 

Stray cats will not be fed.

• Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food tossed on the ground, outside.
• Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk in a spare margarine container.
• Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
• Stray cats will not try to make the house cats jealous when they are eating THEIR food!

• Stray cats will not be petted, played with, or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
• Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
• Stray cats will not have special toys bought for them so that they will be tempted to come closer.
• Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
• Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times, maybe holidays.
• Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y."
• Stray cats will not beat up the house cats when they come inside the house on days ending in "Y."

• Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to sharpen their claws on the people nice enough to give them a home.
• Stray cats will not climb up the insides of people's pants legs, clinging to the thermal underwear, when they are sharpening their claws on the people nice enough to give them a home.

• Stray cats will sleep outside unless it's raining.
• Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
• Stray cats will sleep in the house but not in the bedroom.
• Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket in a corner of the bedroom.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to curl up on our pillows, tickle one ear with their tail, and purr in the other ear all night.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers unless we're cold.
• Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
• Stray cats sleeping under the covers at the foot of the bed will not be allowed to chew on our feet.
• Stray cats that have a habit of chewing toes when they sleep under the covers at the foot of the bed will find that we've taken to wearing our slippers to bed.

• Stray cats that are already pregnant will sleep in a specially prepared box.
• Stray cats that are already pregnant and searching for a place to have their babies will be given a safe place to have them, comfortably lined with an old blanket or towels.
• Stray cats that are already pregnant and searching for a place to have their babies will not be allowed in closets, drawers, cupboards or spare rooms.
• Stray cats that have their babies in the closet in our bedroom will not be allowed to pull our clothes from the hangers.
• Stray cats that have their babies on our best evening gown will have to live with that on their conscience forever! We will have to live with the $90 cleaning bill.

• Stray cats will not play on the desk.
• Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
• Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is ';lkjijn  huhgtgv  ffdsa  trying to use it!

 

I wrote "Stray Cats Rules" when I'd adopted four strays that were born under my house. I began to feed them by taking a handful or two of food out to the yard and putting it near the hole under the porch. My Maine Coon used to watch out the window when I was taking some food out to the kittens (in an old margarine bowl), and one day, I heard her think, very loudly, "You're not giving those wooley boogers MY food, are you?" She looked positively horrified.

Soon they were greeting me on the porch, then at the door, and finally, trying to get in to steal my house-cats' food whenever I opened the door. They terrorized my older cats for a while, till peace finally reigned again. I named the babies Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Moe. Moe was the only male of the bunch, he was black with white tuxedo gloves and boots, and a thin white mustache just above his upper lip. Eenie was a very fluffy grey and pink part-Maine Coon (which I deduced by her markings, head shape and tail length) calico, and the other two were twins, striped in the same pattern except the background on one was brown, the other white. They stayed with me for six months while I got them their shots, neutering, etc. I was lucky enough to find a home for them that wanted all four of them, with a Lady of my acquaintance that takes care of elderly people in her home. She and I had talked many times about the benefits cats can bring to the elderly, and the "wooley boogers" and her guests get along wonderfully. The Altzheimer patients in my friend's care respond especially well to the cats, and usually remember their names from day to day.

I had written this piece because at the time the wooley boogers came to me, she had also adopted two strays. The female had kittens on her best evening gown two weeks after she adopted her. In her frustration, she got on the phone to me to vent, and we started to talk about our strays and what rules we should have. This piece was the outcome of that talk.