EX TENEBRIS CRESCIT FLOS
MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND
My First Tentative Steps
January 22, 2003
This story was originally written as a series of posts to
TrannyWeb in the General Forum, entitled
"Going Out Dressed". These posts were made from May 25 to May 29, 2002. I
have edited and compiled the posts here as a diary-story.
Looking back through these posts has been like reliving that fateful weekend.
It feels like it happened ages ago, and yet the memory is so vivid that it also
feels like yesterday. This was my first real experience living as a woman.
Those five days constituted a major turning point in my life; I had finally
come to the realization that I was really meant to be a woman, and that I had
suppressed it for too many years, and that it was time to set myself free.
I had opened Pandora's Box. My emotions were out of their cage and they
would never go back inside.
Here is the story of my first tentative steps, during the weekend that changed
my life forever.
First Entry - May 25
I am now on the second day of my "experiment" - being a girl all weekend. So
far, things are going well, and I love it! I don't want it to end. I have
gone out a few times so far. Since I am still rather nervous, I have tried to
play it safe. I have done such things as drive around, get gas, get the mail,
and take care of minor chores where I won't be observed too closely. Luckily,
I stocked up on everything I need for the weekend so I don't have to go out and
buy anything. Even if my looks were perfect (and they aren't - at least not
yet), my voice isn't, and I would be read the second I opened my mouth to speak.
Second Entry - May 26
I just got back from my latest outing. I enjoy dressing in somewhat formal
clothing on occasion, so since today is Sunday, it seemed like a good
opportunity, since many women are dressed up to go to church. I wore a
lilac-colored skirt (ankle length)/sleeveless top set. I figured I had to wear
something sleeveless so I wouldn't be taken for a Mormon! First, as I was
heading from my apartment to my car, I crossed paths with a well-dressed woman;
she did not appear to notice me at all. Then, I went to the post office to buy
stamps out of the vending machine. I nearly crossed paths with two people
there - again, I was not noticed. Then, I went to Trolley Square,
a shopping mall on the east
side of downtown Salt Lake, and wandered the halls there for a few minutes -
again, I was not noticed at all as far as I could tell. I picked that
particular mall because the lighting there is rather low, so imperfections in
my appearance would be less noticeable. Also, it is usually not very crowded
during the day (it is more popular in the evening) and it is an upscale place
frequented by well-dressed women. I was not the only well-dressed woman there.
By the way, there are good clothing stores there, although they are expensive.
Also, I took a few photos of myself around the house this morning.
Unfortunately, I don't have any place to put them on the Web yet, but I might
one day. One picture that I hope turns out well is one of me wearing my
burgundy medieval dress, brandishing a morning star (a spiked ball on a chain).
That should be a funny one.
(LATER NOTE: The pictures did not turn out. The photo here was taken on
October 31, 2002. It isn't the best, but it is roughly what I was looking
for that day.)
Third Entry - Morning of May 28
Yesterday was rather boring. All I did was go out for a walk around my
apartment complex after dark. I did, however, discover a major drawback to
wearing sandals. I ran the door over my big toe and scraped it up nicely.
Ouch! Yesterday was supposed to be the last day of being a woman full time,
but I just couldn't stop, so I decided to take a vacation day from work and
continue it one more day.
I am all dressed up and ready to go out... just waiting for my nails to finish
drying.
Fourth Entry - Later That Day
I have had no trouble in any public places so far, but it would be nice to
have friends to go out with; perhaps I would be a little more bold. There is
safety in numbers. It would be nice to go shopping, hiking, shooting, or out
to eat with some friends. However, I will pass on bars and clubs - I have
never liked them; where I live, they are vile, unfriendly, smoke-filled places
that I avoid like the plague. (I seem to be allergic to cigarette smoke.) In
California, where I go at least once a year, the bars and clubs are far more
pleasant (no smoke!) and I might like to venture into one there.
I just got back from my latest outing. My outfit was casual, as is appropriate
- a white shirt, blue floral capri pants, sandals, and as little makeup as I
needed to cover up masculine facial features. I went into a drug store to drop
off a roll of film to be developed, and I drove over to the University of Utah
(my alma mater) and wandered around until my feet got tired (they aren't quite
used to women's shoes yet). I don't get over there much anymore, and it was
nice to see the old place again. It is an island of diversity and acceptance
in an extremely conservative state; being transgendered is probably not such a
big deal there. I crossed paths with many people and got no notice whatsoever,
not even from the parking lot attendant.
I will probably not go out again today (except to get the mail); it is getting
too hot outside. Tomorrow, I have to go back to work. I guess the five-day
experiment is nearly over; I wish it didn't have to end so soon. I still have
all afternoon and evening, so I think I will just lounge around the house in
something comfortable.
The Day After
I finished up the final day with a glass of wine from a bottle I had been
saving for a special occasion. It was a good way to end the experiment.
I absolutely hated to put on men's clothing to go to work this morning. I had
not worn a single article of men's clothing since last Thursday evening, and it
was hard to go back to that. As a man, I have never quite hated how I look,
but I have never liked it either; I have just tried not think about it. But
this morning, I looked in the mirror and truly hated what I saw. In contrast,
when I completed my female look (got my wig and makeup right, in addition to
the clothes), for the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror and liked
what I saw!
Here are a few things that I have learned.
It has become increasingly clear that psychologically I am a woman. This
means that I am probably more of a transsexual than just a man who likes
women's clothes. However, I am not certain yet that I want to give up
everything male; this is more out of a concern for convenience and safety,
rather than any deep feelings. It is probably safer for me to present as a
male in potentially unsafe situations (work, bad parts of town, etc.) It is
also more convenient if I wake up late and have to rush off to work; if I
tried to present as a woman in that case, it would take longer to get ready in
the morning. But the day may come that my desire to be a woman will overwhelm
this rather superficial desire for safety and/or convenience, and then I may
need to do something about it. Or maybe I will settle into a state where I go
back and forth at will. I am not quite ready yet. Only time will tell.
These five days of being a woman were some of the happiest in my life, but the
only thing missing was social interaction. I need to find friends who can
accept me as a woman. Perhaps it is time to contact a local group. I could
certainly use some feedback on my appearance. Luckily, my body is about the
right shape and size; I am 5'7" (170cm) and built like a wimp, so that helps a
great deal.
My wardrobe, although pretty good and diverse, still needs a little work.
Shoes have never been a priority since I have not started going out until
recently (I only have one pair). I need a few more, preferably shoes that are
comfortable rather than stylish (in other words, no high heels). I could also
use a few more casual skirts and pants.
There is safety in public places. After a little time getting used to it, I
was actually quite comfortable wandering around in public. I am sure it will
only get better. However, I don't want to press my luck by going too fast, so
I plan to be cautious. In the near future, I might go downtown (during the
day) and possibly even go into a few shops; or I might go to the museums or the
zoo. Those seem like relatively safe places.
It is also time to come out to the few people I am close to; so far, I have
only come out to one friend. I cannot keep this a secret from everybody much
longer. It is important to have some support. I am not quite ready, however,
to seek therapy. I need to figure out a few things first, and based on
warnings I have heard, if I decide to seek therapy, I will only go to a
specialist in this field.
In conclusion, I am making great strides in figuring out just where on the
transgender spectrum I am, but I can't be certain yet. I need more time and
more weekends like the last to figure things out. It is best not to rush into
something as life-altering as this when there is still a great deal of
uncertainty.
Eight Months Later
Putting this story together has been fascinating. I had not looked at this in
many months. It is interesting to reflect on how far I have come since that
fateful weekend.
Many of my desires presented in the last entry have come true. In July, I
made contact with two transgender groups, and I made many good friends and
gained confidence as a result. By August, I had begun living as a woman most
of the time except for work. Since then, I have gone downtown and I have gone
into numerous shops. Indeed now I seldom go into a store
as a male! I even went to a dance club (a non-smoking one) one night and
enjoyed it - that is something I thought would never happen! Also since then,
I have come out to a number of friends and family
members, most notably my mother. All have been supportive so far. I still
have not started therapy, but I have made the first steps - I have left a
message on a therapist's answering machine but have not heard back yet. I
hope he calls soon.
There is less uncertainty now. The safety and convenience of being male on
some occasions is no longer worth the emotional pain, and I must move on.
Reading about my first tentative steps brings back the emotional roller
coaster I have experienced since then. The last eight months have been both
the happiest and most depressing of my life. I have experienced highs and
lows like I never have before.
Finally, I feel like I am alive!
I have come a great distance in finding my true self, but there is a long
road ahead. Stay tuned. The story has only just begun.
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Heather Harrison. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to accredited
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