EX TENEBRIS CRESCIT FLOS
A CRUCIAL TURNING POINT
My Thoughts on Starting down the Path of No Return
March 2, 2003
I have come a long way since that fateful weekend in May of 2002 and I have
come to a crucial turning point. I saw a psychiatrist on January 31, and he is
prepared to give me the recommendation to start taking hormones. It felt great
to get past that step; finally, my condition has been confirmed. But acting on
the recommendation would start me down the path of no return. True, it is
possible to stop taking hormones and go back to being male, but some of the
changes are permanent. It is a major decision, certainly one of the most
important decisions of my life.
So although I am certain that I want to start on the hormones and in a few
months discard what is left of my male persona, I feel that I need to be
careful. I have decided to wait and do a few experiments and some research.
The wait is extremely painful. I have such a strong desire to move forward,
but the rational part of my brain realizes that I will be better off in the
long run if I take my time. But I must also not move too slowly, or I will get
nowhere, and life will be too painful.
Upon considering the conflicts in my mind, I came up with a plan which I
believe is a good balance between the desire to move forward and the need to be
cautious. I will take two weeks off work in the latter part of March to live as
a woman full time. During that time, I will research the physical effects of
the hormones and possibly work on some other aspects of the transition - maybe
speech therapy or laser hair removal. I will also spend a lot of time
thinking. After this two-week period, I will make another appointment with
the psychiatrist, just for confirmation, and then I will act on his
recommendation and start down the path of no return. This all assumes that the
experiment turns out as I think it will. If I come out of those two weeks with
some uncertainty, then I will wait painfully a little longer.
Every transsexual approaches transition a different way. Some jump right in,
others move slowly and carefully, and some try to fight it. I prefer the slow
and careful approach. It may result in more emotional pain in the near term,
but when I am done, I will be confident that I made the right decision. It is
a long and difficult process, but it is also quite rewarding.
As I wrote before, finally, I feel like I am alive! For the first time in
my life, I am exploring myself and discovering my true nature. So far, I like
what I have found. It is wonderful to be a transsexual.
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