EX TENEBRIS CRESCIT FLOS
THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ON GOING "FULL TIME"
My Dream Has Finally Come True
November 3, 2003
On October 31, 2003, at 16:17 MST, I was re-born! This was my last day at work
as a male, and as soon as I got home, I changed from male to female for the
last time. I had to mark a particular time, so I arbitrarily chose the minute
that I completed my makeup and was ready to go out. For many transsexuals,
going "full time" is the most important step in the transition, and this is
certainly the case for me. While I ultimately want SRS (sex reassignment
surgery), I see that as a finishing touch. Now, I will exist in the role of a
woman in all situations, and that is a dream I have had for a long time. It
has finally come true.
Out with the Old
Soon after finishing my
makeup, I loaded up my old, hated male clothing into the truck and took it to
a thrift store. It felt great to be rid of the old clothing, and it is nice
to have the additional closet space, which I am sure I will rapidly fill up.
I kept only a few items from my days as a male. Most of my tee shirts with
funny sayings or images will work fine in the new gender role, so I decided to
keep them. Also, I kept one pair of jeans. I have come to hate them over the
years (although they are basically gender neutral, I have associated them with
my male self) but they can be useful in certain situations, so I thought I
should hold onto one pair. I doubt I will wear it very often. One item I
always felt very uncomfortable in was my suit. I wore it as little as possible,
and I dreaded those few days that I had to put it on. However, I did not take
it to the thrift store with the other clothes; it is too good to throw away,
and my brother or some other family member may be able to use it. Finally, I
kept an ugly dress shirt, an ugly pair of pants, and a worn-out belt. Later
this month, I intend to take these items out to the desert, hang them on a
stick, and shoot them full of holes - that will be a fun way to symbolically
destroy the false male shell that I have just shed.
In with the New
I spent the weekend mostly resting (I felt drained after a very stressful
week), but I got in a little shopping. The weekend went much like many others,
but on Sunday night, I was not overcome with the sense of dread I had felt on
many other Sunday nights. Unlike in past weeks, I did not have to remove my
nail polish in preparation for work. Monday morning, I had far less trouble
getting out of bed than I usually do. I got up on time and went through a
fairly speedy version of my routine of weekend mornings, but it was not a
weekend - it was a work day. This felt different - in a good way. I drove to
work like normal, but I was not wearing the usual beat-up jeans and funny
tee shirt or threadbare shirt; I was wearing a very nice cashmere sweater and
a long black skirt, and my nails were still painted. Upon arriving at work,
I got out of the truck, confidently walked up to the door, and went inside.
The whole time, I felt none of the usual discomfort of the old gender role. Of
course, I was a little nervous at going into work for the first time as a
woman, but I felt more excited and relieved to finally be finished with this
difficult process. Now that the first day at work is done, I feel like my
transition is mostly complete. Of course, there is still a lot to do, but I
am finally living in the correct social role, and that was most of the battle.
I Am Walking on Air!
I literally feel like I am walking on air. A great weight has been lifted, and
I seem to have passed effortlessly through the last few days. Certainly the
initial euphoria will wear off, but that terrible weight will hopefully never
return. Finally, after all these years, I have torn myself free of that false
shell that was confining me, and I feel happier than I have in as long a time
as I can remember. It is as if I have been suddenly released from a prison. In
a sense, I have been released from a prison - a prison whose walls are the
social conventions of a gender role which has never worked for me. The key to
the gate of this prison was no ordinary key; this key was many years in the
making. The key that opened the gate was my growing understanding of myself
and my growing self-confidence. All I needed to escape from this prison always
existed within me; I just needed to find it. It has truly been a spiritual
awakening. In this context, spirituality has nothing to do with the
supernatural; instead, it has everything to do with self-awareness. This is
my definition of spirituality: understanding the self. At this point, I cannot
claim to have complete self-knowledge, but I am a lot closer to that
unattainable goal than I was two years ago. As I think back two years, I am
amazed at how far I have come. In November of 2001, I was a rather depressed
and grumpy man who was crossdressing in secret and not quite understanding
what was going on. In November of 2002, I was living as a woman outside of
work, but I was more depressed than ever and felt trapped in an unstable
situation, and I was uncertain as to what the future would bring.
Now, in November of 2003, I am a free and happy woman,
confident in my abilities and optimistic about the future. What a difference
two years can make!
What's Next?
Having attained my greatest goal, I am not content to leave it at this. There
are still some loose ends to tie up: continuing hormone treatment, facial hair
removal, and SRS. Even after I obtain SRS, I will not be totally content -
the spiritual journey lasts a lifetime, and I will continue to strive for
self-awareness for the rest of my life. Also, I have another long-time dream
to fulfill after SRS is completed: a vacation to Antarctica, but that is
another story.
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