I suppose many of us have ways of saying "good bye" to the old self. Some of
us probably let it go without marking the occasion. I, however, just had to
find a rather theatrical way of sending off the old identity, and I just had to
make light of the whole process and have a little fun.
On a chilly Sunday morning, I shot old Pumpkinhead full of holes. Specifically,
I laid out an old set of ugly male clothing and placed a discarded ornamental
pumpkin where the head would be. Then, I (and a friend who joined me for the
occasion) blasted away at it with three different guns. As expected, the
12-gauge shotgun did the most damage. The whole experience was quite
satisfying; I certainly enjoy blowing things full of holes when I am in the
right mood.
Now for the serious part - this act of wanton destruction was, in a way,
symbolic. I did not, however, feel like I was destroying the old self out of
any sense of hate, nor did I feel like I was destroying an old "self" at all.
There was always only one "self". When I finally cast off the last remnants
of the old male identity, I did not become someone else; I simply cast off
an old shell. When I shot old Pumpkinhead full of holes, I was not
symbolically destroying an old personality. Instead, I was symbolically
shooting the old shell. It was more like blasting my way out of a prison
than it was like destroying the effigy of a person. The faceless pumpkin
in place of the head, like the old shell, had no personality. It was just a
facade, and it flew apart with the first blast of buckshot.
In conclusion, I needed to do something to celebrate the final casting off
of the old shell, and I needed to do it in my own style. An old-fashioned,
sombre ritual would not work, and neither would a boring, everyday party.
Blowing a pumpkin and some old clothes to smithereens did the trick. It had
the necessary symbolic value, and more importantly, it was a lot of fun.
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Heather Harrison. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to accredited
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