EX TENEBRIS CRESCIT FLOS

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AVOIDING MISTAKES AT WORK

Your Reputation Is Vital - Protect It!

November 8, 2003

I have completed my first week as a woman at work, and I have had absolutely no problems. Even people who I thought would possibly cause problems have been very accepting. I am not the first to transition there - about 10 years ago, another male-to-female transsexual transitioned at work, and she is still there and seems well-adjusted. Inevitably, people who saw her go through the process have compared her with me. I have been told that I have handled it better during my first days than she did. We all make mistakes, but with a little common sense and experience, most of these mistakes are avoidable. A few mistakes can make life very difficult, so it is best to minimize them. For the benefit of others here who may be contemplating this step or who may have made the change recently, I will list some of what I have learned here from my experience and from the experience of others.

Live full time outside of work for an extended period before making the change at work. It may be painful, but you will gain valuable experience. It is better to make your fashion mistakes and learn from them before transitioning at work.

Dress appropriately. I cannot stress this enough. A single mistake may be remembered for years and may permanently damage your reputation. I work in a professional environment, so I wore very modest business-casual and business-professional clothing. It is best to see what other women in the workplace are wearing, and dress to fit in. Especially at first, I would recommend dressing even more modestly than other women. Like it or not, people will see you as a man in a dress at first, and it is better for them to see a man in an ankle-length, modest dress than for them to see a man in hot pants or a mini-skirt.

Work on the voice before transitioning at work. If you sound somewhat like a woman, you are more likely to be accepted. Especially if you ever have to deal with customers (which I do occasionally), it is vital. The company may have an anti-discrimination policy, but customers can go where they want and they are free to discriminate, so it is wise to appear convincing around them. Remember - the customers pay the bills, and without them, you do not get a paycheck.

If facial hair is a serious problem (which it is not for me), start the removal process before transitioning at work. If it is possible to cover it with makeup and have it last all day, then it is not such a serious problem and it is probably better to concentrate on the voice instead.

Coming-out meetings with management and co-workers are extremely valuable. This gives people a forum to ask questions and learn about what is going on. It is advisable to be in your old gender role when you have these meetings, but they should take place very soon before your change.

Inform affected managers first. It is usually best to start with Human Resources, but your immediate supervisor and others in the chain of management should be brought in early. If I had to do it over again, I would have brought management into it earlier than I did. It is only fair to make them part of the planning process.

Restrooms. This can be a touchy issue, since it can make everyone feel uncomfortable. Of course, considering myself to be a woman, I would have preferred to use the women's restrooms, but that would make others uncomfortable. The company happened to have some "one-holer" restrooms, and I agreed to use those. That solved my problem, and it solved the problems of others. If the company does not have any "one-holers" available, other solutions, such as declaring one particular bathroom for the transsexual to use, are possible. People who are uncomfortable could simply avoid that bathroom. After I have the surgery and get my birth certificate changed, I will be able to use the women's restrooms, but until then, I will use the "one-holer". Finally, if the company allows you to use the women's room, please don't shave your face in there.

Most importantly, be considerate of others, and be flexible. Your change at work will, most likely, happen essentially overnight. People cannot get used to the change that quickly. Even if they are trying to adjust, they will slip up and use the old name and/or gender pronouns afterwards. My experience with friends and family would indicate that it takes at least six months on average before people reach the point that they seldom slip up on this, and I expect my co-workers to take just as long. I told them at the coming-out meetings that I recognized this, and I would not be bothered by mistakes - that put a lot of people at ease. Also, the timing of the transition could be important. I timed my change around project schedules, so that I would not encounter customers at one meeting as a male, and then at the next as a female. That would be an unwelcome distraction. If Human Resources and/or management want to adjust the timing, be willing to consider what they say - they may have good advice.

I hope I don't sound too preachy here, but I am amazed at the mistakes that some people make when they transition at work. A little common sense would have prevented these mistakes, but some people seem to lack common sense, and perhaps some are so blinded by their new-found freedom that they do not realize that they are making others uncomfortable. Those who make serious blunders at work hurt themselves by destroying their reputations and by possibly losing their jobs altogether, and they hurt others who may come along by giving all of us a bad name. So if you are about to transition at work, or you have done so recently, be careful and use a little common sense. A good reputation is difficult to build, but all too easy to destroy. In the coming months, I am sure I will make the occasional mistake, but I am confident that the experience I have gained and the advice others have given me will minimize the number and severity of these blunders and I will be able to preserve my reputation.

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