EX TENEBRIS CRESCIT FLOS
DEFEATING THE VICTIM MENTALITY
The Secret to a Successful Transition
July 11, 2004
WARNING AND DISCLAIMER
Before you read further, please read this warning. Sometimes, people who are
having troubles need a little jolt - a little "tough love" to get them moving
again. Some of what I have to say in this article may seem offensive to some
transgendered people. I don't intend to be malicious, but I feel like there
is a great need to help others break out of their victim mentalities and help
them correct their mistakes. If you are especially emotionally fragile, you
may wish to reconsider reading this. I will not be held responsible for
anyone's actions if they take the next few paragraphs too seriously.
Are You a Victim?
After years of soul-searching and difficulties, you discover that you are a
transsexual. This is the end of the world, right? You are a freak.
If you try to express yourself, everyone will hate you. Society will
hate you. Your family will disown you. You will lose your job. You will
get kicked out of your apartment. But if you try to ignore everything and
live in the old role, you will be miserable. How many of us feel this way
when the dreadful realization sinks in? There are no good options; life has
dealt you a great blow. There is nothing good about this.
Now, seriously, is everything really this bad? Of course, we all have our
fears, but too many of us become so obsessed with these fears that we cannot
deal with it. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way on occasion, but
too many of us hold onto it. It becomes an addiction, and an excuse. Your
life has gone badly, but now you have a convenient scapegoat. You can blame it
all on being transgendered, and you don't have to do anything else. When
someone, perhaps a friend or family member (if you have any left), complains
that you are a loser, you can pass the responsibility off onto your condition,
and therefore onto the evil society which discriminates against you at every
opportunity. Did you ever stop to think that maybe some of these problems
are of your own making, and have little or nothing to do with your being
a transsexual? Of course not.
The above paragraph may be an exaggeration, but I have met a number of people,
both in person and on-line, who show many of these characteristics. A loser,
by my definition, is a person who refuses to take responsibility for his or
her life. If you are this sort of person, you need to snap out of it. You
have a lot of work to do. Improving your attitude is the first step. You may
well be so addicted to the loser attitude that you need some help - maybe even
professional help. It could be that you have one or more mental illnesses,
with clinical depression as a likely possibility; you need to take care of these
problems. Think about this - if you go through life with a bad
attitude, expecting everybody to hate you, what do you think will happen? Your
bad attitude will rub off onto others and they will, of course, want to have
nothing to do with you. If they have difficulty accepting transsexuals, you
will make it easy for them to reject you, as you will probably be fitting all
of their negative stereotypes.
Don't Be a Victim
Now, please consider another alternative. You have discovered that you are
a transsexual. Prepared to accept this and deal with it, you do the necessary
research and figure out what you need to do. You realize that it is not
all bad; after all, how many of us get the opportunity to experience life from
the standpoint of both genders? Rather than being some sort of freak, you are
an interesting and unique person. Others may not see you this way, but you
are ready to convince those who will listen. You approach friends, family,
and your employer with some apprehension but also with courage. Some of the
people in your life may well be so closed-minded as to completely reject
you without listening to your side of events, but chances are, most people
will at least be open to the possibility if you give them some time to get
used to it, and many people will be fully accepting. Those who reject you are
not worth worrying about too much; you can get support from those who are
more accepting. It is true that you may lose some friends and family, but
you can make up for it with the support of the true friends who stay with you.
Work, of course, must be approached with caution, but you can put your
positive attitude into practice here too. There is nothing an employer likes
better than an employee with a good attitude. You need to show your
employer that your change will be a change for the better. You will be
happier at work, and will therefore do a better job. If you are already
well-established and have a good reputation, your chances are better. You can
point to your past achievements and convince your employer that you are too
valuable to lose. Unfortunately, if your employer is bigoted and
closed-minded, you may still lose your job, so you should still have other
options in mind, but your chances will be better if you are positive about
your change and are willing to be patient and to compromise with your
employer.
Being a transsexual can make life harder, and discrimination is a real risk,
but it is not necessarily as bad as some people make it out to be. My
experience has been that most people are reasonably open to the possibility
of accepting, or at least tolerating, a transsexual. It takes some work, but
it is possible to bring them around to your side. You must not see yourself
as a victim; you must have a positive attitude, and you must avoid fitting
the negative stereotypes that many people hold. Remember that people have
many misconceptions. They may have seen screwed-up transsexuals on daytime
trash TV shows, or they may think that transsexuals are flamboyant perverts, or
they may think that you could never possibly pass as a woman.
They may be afraid to explain you to their children or to other family
members, or they may be fixated on your sexual orientation. You need to be
prepared to refute the negative stereotypes and to answer some difficult
questions. This is not always easy, but it can be done in most cases. You
may not be successful in all cases, but this will greatly improve your chances,
so it is worth a try. Even if you have only partial success, you will still
have a good number of friends and family members who are willing to support
you through this difficult process, and you will gain friends as you
proceed.
Take Charge of Your Life and Proceed
So what will it be? You will proceed with your transition, but how will you do
it? Will you be a victim of fate, miserable and alone for the rest of your
meaningless life? Or will you take charge of your life, pursue your
transition as an opportunity to grow and learn, and go out and experience
all that life has to offer? Don't be a victim. You have been presented with
a rare and wonderful gift, if you are willing to accept it. You are about to
embark on the ride of your life. It will be bumpy at points, and you will
make some wrong turns, but just imagine what you have to gain from it.
As I have said before, how many people get the option of experiencing life
from the standpoint of both genders? Enjoy this, and consider yourself
lucky.
I have been enjoying this transition immensely; it is the best thing that
ever happened to me. For the first time in my life, I truly feel alive.
How can this be bad? True, there have been some difficulties, but is anything
worth doing entirely without its problems? I have been learning so much and
having so many great experiences that I cannot imagine life any other way.
I am not the victim of some arbitrary curse. I am fortunate to have a
"condition" which makes life interesting and fulfilling, and I will get as
much out of it as I can. I look forward to the future.
Conclusion
This article represents my opinion. Others will certainly have other ideas
of how to have a successful transition. All I know is that my techniques
have worked for me, and that some others I know who have a negative attitude
and tend to be confrontational have not had a great deal of success.
However, there are no guarantees in life. You may do everything right and
still be faced with overwhelming rejection; if this happens, you are simply
unlucky in your family background, or choice of friends or employer. There
is nothing wrong with you. In this case, you may simply have to move on,
perhaps to a new city, and start over. I know people who have done this and,
after a lot of hard work and some difficulties, have been very successful.
Whatever you do, don't give up. Life can be better - if you want it to be.
All contents of this site, unless otherwise noted, Copyright 2002-2008
Heather Harrison. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to accredited
educational institutions to copy and use this material as desired, in whole or
in part, provided that proper credit is given.