What Should I Do?

Ok, so maybe I'm the biggest bitch on wheels but I can't stand the fact that Ryan can't think or act for himself. It's like he assumes I've replaced his mommy but I'm not his mother and never will be. I don't exist for him; I don't exist to coddle him and make life easy for him. If I wasn't around, sure, he would find a way to handle trials on his own but because I am around and I'm good at navigating life, he sits back and lets me drive. I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE when he can. And, in this case, he can!

His car broke down tonight and he had it towed to a shop that told him it might be fixed tomorrow afternoon. So he spends all night playing hockey and drinking beer with buddies instead of finding a way to get to work in the morning. Why? Because he expects to take my new car and leave me at home all day. Sometimes I never leave the house so I wouldn't miss my car - but that's by choice. The fact that he had plenty of time to contact a co-worker who lives right around the corner from us and who could have given him a ride, leaves me livid. All because he doesn't want to get his ass out of bed a half-hour earlier in the morning?! If I was in the same sitch I would do whatever was easiest for everyone. I would, in fact, get up and catch a ride.
Of course, those who know me are saying, "Riiiight, Jill does what is easiest on her." Yes, to an extent that's true. But I also figure out a way to deal with a situation that makes the most sense for everyone. For example, I don't ask random people for a ride to the airport. I ask around to see if someone is already heading in that direction. If I couldn't get him to the airport, Ryan would park his car at the ParknJet even if it meant paying for a week there before he would try to find a ride. Instead of borrowing Ryan's car all the time while mine was getting fixed, I rented from Enterprise and they picked me up. If I'm hungry, I make myself something to eat. If Ryan's hungry, he'll order delivery or drive somewhere and buy himself dinner before he'd make even a sandwich or can of soup. He's wired to expect me (or women in general) to take care of him.

It would have been easier for Ryan to simply get a ride from someone who is already going in to his office but he's being selfish and expects me to enable his laziness. He'd rather assume I'll come to his rescue than for him to go out of his way and make some phone calls.
This is the same sh*t he did when he got his DUI and lost his license FOR THREE YEARS. He expected me to chauffeur him around instead of trying to catch rides from those heading in the same direction. In fact, there were more than a few times when I called MY friends and asked them to give him a ride because he "didn't want to impose on anyone." But it's ok to impose on me? Why is it that being a girlfriend means getting the raw end of the deal? Is it too much to ask to be treated the way he might treat a friend? With concern over imposing? Granted, the definition of "relationship" is 'never feeling like you're imposing' but that attitude truly sucks.

Would Ryan do the same for me?
The answer's yes. If I needed his car- for whatever reason- he would have me drive him to work (at 5:30 a.m.), drop him off and take his car. He wouldn't think twice about it. Wait a minute! Would he call and get a ride in to work and leave his car for me? Uh Uh. So I guess we can't say he'd do the same for me. Anyway, back to the analogy- he lends me his car when I won't lend mine. If it were that simple (and it NEVER is), of course he could take my car and I stay home for a day. The point I'm trying to make is that it's not about the car. It's about his unwillingness to use anyone but me. If he had made even a little effort to find a ride, I would have been willing to help. But no, he goes out and f*7ks around all night then comes home and asks for my car keys.
I've never been much of a sharer so you can't take my stuff without my permission and assume it's cool and you can't guilt me into giving it over. (Which he is now relentlessly doing.) I have to want to share.

He wants - and expects - me to carry his ass and it drives me nuts. Why are the men I date so unresourceful and ineffective?? I guarantee you that he plans to call in sick tomorrow rather than get up early and call his friend for a ride; just to try to make me out as the bad guy and subsequently blame me for the reason he lost a sick day. After six years, I know that program.

5 minutes later:

Looks like I was right (of course). He just walked into my office to announce he's "going to be hanging out" with me tomorrow. He's calling in sick.
What do I do, people? Let him lose the day and forever be the crappy girlfriend? Or give in and enable him to pull this act yet again?

Three Fests in One

The way I see it, Sundance is really three festivals. There's the film part. You go up to Park City, have a movie marathon until your butt can take no more, then you take a couple of pain killers and keep watching. With screenings from 8 a.m. until 11 p.m. you can be scheduled out the entire time. There's the party part. This is not an all day thing but rather an all night thing starting at around 4 p.m. each day. Every movie has its premiere party; every production company like IndieVest hosts a party, often, companies like Kenneth Cole, Gen Art, and Vitamin Water do it up big- usually at private homes where they can go till 3 a.m., take some painkillers and keep partying. Hence, you are wasted for any of the daytime activities; and then there is the gifting part. An all day traipse up and down Main Street, hauling paper or eco-friendly sacs a forearm thick.
Sundance organizers frown on gifting as they see it disrupting the creative process and turning their event into something of a corporate commercial enterprise. Plus, those doing the gifting are outside the sponsor realm. Marketing firms set up "houses", "lounges" and "suites" around Park City and rent out booth space to boutique companies, promising their products exposure from A++ celebrities and media attending Sundance yet they don't give any money back to support the Festival itself. Plus, they're terribly exclusive and off-putting to the average festival goer.As I sat next to Jeff Best at the MySpace Cafe in the Village at Sundance, I heard him lament about the transformation of his brainchild. Best Events took the Town Lift project and turned it into a mini Hollywood gifting village for four years, dubbing it the Village at the Lift. After the same number of years of contention with festival organizers, Best caved for the greater good. After all, his number one plan all along was to show support for the film industry and if it helps everyone get along, he's willing to play nice. But while we sat munching on scrumptious cheeseburgers (better than you would get if you paid for it at the actual restaurant taken over by MySpace for seven days), and the paparazzi angled for a better shot of Paris Hilton in the booth behind us, he dropped his head and spoke about the financial hit he took. "I had sponsors in line for this year but when I told them they also had to be official Sundance sponsors as well (and pay the official pricetag and no gifting allowed) they backed out," he said. It's often too much money to go mainstream with not as much promise for celebrity exposure.They found other places to go- Fred Segal, one of the VAL's anchor 'stores', joined the Village at the Yard on Kearns Blvd. for five days of gifting products you typically see in their store- Retro Brand with their vintage sports team and college logo T-shirts, skate and urbanwear by Hurley, George, Gina and Lucy eccentric yet chic handbags, Undun eco-denim, Nightcap primo cottonwear. K-Swiss shoes and more. The Yard also started their own café courtesy of T-Mobile. Nickelodeon nabbed some first-class acreage across from Fred Segal to celebrate the 10th Anniversary of SpongeBob Squarepants and next door to them was drugstore.com, gifting travel essentials like bronzer, shampoo, Advil, Alka-Seltzer and Chapstick. Living Proof showcased a line of no-frizz hair products by having stylists blow and style your do. I had a brief conversation with Eliza Dushku (star of the new series Dollhouse) about snowboarding in Utah while they primped her for her movie premiere. She says she'll be skiing from now on as she's not too keen on pain. The conversation started because she noticed my luscious Scope Zip Hoody from Oakley and said she picked out the exact same one at the Oakley House during their Learn-To-Ride event over the weekend. Yep. I was there.
Oakley organizes these Learn-To days for celebs and VIPs who want to learn a sport from snowboarding to motocross without the hassle of going through the public process. It's an intimate setting with Oakley products and athletes and a one-on-one introduction to both to ensure they have a positive experience.
Singer/songwriter Kelly James escorted me onto the bunny run at Park City Mountain Resort for an unofficial snowboard lesson. He was a sweet guy; extremely patient. He spent a few runs with me and then kicked me out of the nest. Luckily, I had already had time (last year) with a 'real' instructor at Brian Head and the few great tips Kelly gave me made sense. I felt sorry for Eliza as she should have had a professional instructor first and not a professional boarder. Those who 'can', can’t necessarily teach. But whether we could ride, we sure did look good.
Oakley's gifting centered around the Gretchen Bleiler signature line of women’s snowboard apparel. The line, designed by the 2006 Olympic Silver medalist and S Games champ rocks. It fits flatteringly well, the colors pop, and the details make sense for the most part (except that I wasn't wild about the giant belt and buckle at the bottom of one of the jacket styles). Even her signature goggles sit well on the smaller frame of a woman's face.
Beyond the Oakley House (which was located way off Main in Park Meadows), some of the usual suspects still turned up on Main.
In order to try to get a little taste of all that is Sundance, I find myself like a chicken with its head cut off; running in all directions, not sure where to go next and just missing someplace I 'should have been.' The horrific traffic doesn't help. The police have blocked off Heber Avenue so there's no way to get from Park Avenue to Deer Valley Drive without heading up Main Street.

(Look, Ma, I'm snowboarding thanks to Oakley)

Coming down Swede Alley or Deer Valley Drive is the nightmare-especially if it's past four.

Avoid, avoid, avoid driving in Park City right now and park and ride the bus. You also need to get creative. I went into the Yarrow and was able to find a hotel guest who gave me his parking pass. Another girl I met, whipped out a handicap pass and her cane for VIP parking. A taxi driver picked me up after I stuck out my thumb. I got in when he said he was going my way and wouldn't charge me. Turns out he and his son are driving for his friend's cab business and pulling in $400 a day. Next year, I'm coming back as a cabbie!
I've set small goals for myself. Two suites a day, one movie a day and one party a night. So far so good. And lucky me, each movie has been noteworthy- Moon, Humpday, Max and Mary, September Issue and Adam. Both Moon and September Issue had been flukes. I showed up at the theater expecting different films but they had been switched last minute. September Issue about the making of Vogue's Fall Issue impressed me with its storytelling, infusing warmth into Editor Anna Wilson a compact woman with a cold as ice reputation. Moon, with Sam Rockwell, was supposed to be Castaway in space but instead turned out to be a compelling sci fi tale about a man whose last weeks on the moon turn into a nightmare of diabolical discoveries and thoughts on the humanity of man and machine. There's more to tell but I must get some sleep.

FYI, the major push for the Fest is over now and though the coming weekend will bring another rush of celebrities, it'll be nothing like it was last weekend. Now's the ideal time to see a movie (lots of tickets are still available) or get into a party. Chat chat chat. That's how. We went to a party for "Carmo, Hit the Road" Monday night and a woman handed us invites to the closing party at the Queer Lounge on Wednesday. Earlier, I ran into an old friend from my Deer Valley teaching days who promised to get us into the Kodak party Tuesday night. The parties are last on my to-do list but may be first on yours. If so, get some sleep, dress warm and hit the pavement by 4 p.m. for the intel.

Sundance. Bring it!

Mary and Max

Live in Livs

I headed to the New Frontier on Main at noon today with the promise of a 'luncheon' and a ticket to the Fest's Opening Press Conference. We journalists love our free food and the promise of easy entry into the party. The lunch consisted of sandwiches slathered with dressing so I opted for a tiny cup of squash soup and half a brownie- enough to take the edge off while I canvassed the underground venue at the top of Main Street. The space under the Main Street Mall has been transformed into an underground techno nightclub looking place with performance-art-meets-the-web exhibits. It's free and open to the public so you should definitely stop in. There were journalists from every corner of the world sneaking bites in between note-taking. You could feel the buzz as we anticipated the Fest's kick off. How eventful will the next 10 days be? Will the celebs come? Will no-name films sell for millions? Who will create the wake Paris Hilton used to at the parties? Will there be big parties during this celebration of American independent film?

Most of them were friendly; a little reserved, maybe, but willing to mingle after a bit. As I scooped ice into a glass, I turned to see Sean Means, a local film critic from the Salt Lake Tribune. He gave me a quick nod before gazing down to my pass. Guess his Express Pass trumps my General Press Pass and he quickly backed away, afraid he might catch what I have. It's funny how some press actually think theyre more important than the subjects they cover. Or maybe I intimidate him. Yeah. That's it. But I'm not the one who stands up in front of a crowded theater and yells for everyone to use library voices because "some of us have to work here." We're all just doing our jobs and I'm sorry, reviewing films is not the same as solving the world's economic crisis or inventing the next Facebook. It's simply a fun, cool way to make a living.

Whoa Is Parking

15 minutes until the Opening Conference across the street at the Egyptian. The clock was ticking. I had hustled up to Main thinking to grab a vacant spot on the street when I saw the no parking signs everywhere. Both sides of Main are loading only and lower Main is pedestrian only. Sure, you can park in a lot on Swede Alley -if you can find a spot and are willing to pay $20. Luckily, the Wasatch Brew Pub lot was still the normal $1/hr today (Thursday) so I slimed in. Tomorrow, when the Fest hits third gear, it'll be a different story. You probably shouldn't try to get creative this year with your parking. The City needs revenue so they'll be out for parking ticket and towing blood. Best bets are to park in the City Park or ski resort lots and ride the bus to Main. Hitching is also an option, and you get to meet some pretty cool people along the way. If you're coming up from Salt Lake, don't even bother treading past Redstone. Park in the Park n' Ride near the Olympic Park and catch the free Express Bus.Today's calm makes you wonder whether turmoil will ensue or we're over-estimating the sitch. What I mean is, maybe it won't be crowded this year. Maybe the economy, Prop. 8, the brilliant sunshine baking what little snow we have will keep the east and west coast hoards at bay. Someone asked Robert Redford at the conference about the economic climate and its effect on Sundance. "Art will always find a way," he said prophetically. Geoffrey Gilmore, the event's director said that ticket sales were ahead by substantial numbers and that they were pleased with the sponsor dollars they've received. "We're weathering the crisis," he added. The times certainly didn't stymie filmmakers. A total of 118 features (chosen from 3,661 submissions) will screen over the next 10 days.

Sundance's "Housing" Market
Rumors, on the other hand, speak to a lower volume of film sales in 2009. Variety Magazine predicts that film acquisitions will fall below last year's $15 million mark and that was significantly lower than the $45 million spent on independent films at the 2007 festival. Walking Main Street today, there also looks to be quieter times for what Sundance organizers call 'ambush marketers '. "In recent years, Sundance Film Festival has been overwhelmed by organizations without an official relationship to us who target festival attendees with their swag houses, lounges and nightclubs," said Sarah Pearce, Director of Festival Operations, Sundance Film Festival. Sundance nabbed a prime location once called The Village at the Lift on Lower Main Street and turned it into "The Sundance Lift". The area will provide space for press junkets and filmmaker events, free from gifting suites and other non-film-related activity. "Our hope is that it will send a message to those hangers-on who do not support the Festival," said Pearce. With VAL gone, that leaves The Village at the Yard (Anderson Lumber's space on Kearns Blvd.), the Style Lounge, The Hollywood Life House, Moving Pictures Magazine Media Lounge, House of Hype, Sephora Lounge, Gibson Lounge, and the Rock Band Lounge. About half the players of last year.

But those gifting suites are so cool! How else would I stay 'up' on the latest rocker fashions and hip gear? Certainly not by living in Park City where 'dressy' means 'no jeans.' Those suites happen all the time at Hollywood events like the Golden Globes and Academy Awards; even at the Superbowl and the X Games. I understand that Sundance is meant to be free of issues like the bottomline but those of us fashion don'ts like to see what walks our streets of Utah in January. I poked my head into the House of Hype today on an invite to visit their sponsors. Livs (livs.biz), the original crochet boot that UGG apparently blatantly copied, was in full gifting mode and I picked up a pair of cute and extremely comfortable pink boots with buttons down the middle. Even with the 'venting', my feet stayed warm and dry outdoors. I kind of felt like I was cheating though by wearing slippers as shoes- that's how cush they feel. I met with members of the Philadelphia Film Commission in the back room. About six films at the Fest were shot in Philly, they figured this would be a good year to draw more attention to their location. True Philly cheese steak sandwiches will be flown in for VIPs Friday- Sunday. Downstairs, I checked out WiiMusic, Wii's version of Rock Band without the instruments but with the hand controllers, and was handed a hat designed by a woman with a boutique company called Contraband (mycontraband.com). She had been to Sundance as a guest before and decided to make hats and tanktops for the rocker market. Upstairs, I snagged a seated massage and had the girl work in some Nivea lotion. Our dry air brutalizes my hands. Nivea and its brother Aquaphor are in the House showcasing their products; perfect for our climate. One, a new body firming gel called Silhouette, I can't wait to try.I thanked everyone for their hospitality, grabbed a cup of Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf coffee imported from L.A. and headed over to the Yarrow for the opening night film. Mary and Max was a somewhat warped, funny and sad tale of a 44-year-old, obese New York Jew with Aspberger's Syndrome who befriends an 8-year-old penpal in Australia. Done entirely in claymation animation, this is no Disney film. Not even close. Mimes die from falling air conditioners, gold fish get toasted in a toaster, moms drink embalming fluid and Max farts. Still, the message of friendship and acceptance in a bleak judgmental world will touch many hearts and the painstaking craft of animating this 92-minute feature won't fail to astound audiences.

It's late and I'm back at it again tomorrow. Did I mention that I saw the members of Hoobastank as I left the House of Hype? Bet they're playing in town somewhere this week. Later!

Sage is Seven Months Old!

My boobs are gone and my hair's falling out. If I didn't know better - that it was because I'm done breastfeeding- I'd think I was turning into a guy. I'll miss my boobs. I'll actually miss breastfeeding too. I appreciate the freedom but I feel like I've let Sage down. If I wasn't skiing so much, I wouldn't have dried up and she'd still be getting all of those yummy nutrients and immunities. At the same time, between the pumping and nursing, I never got anything done.
Sage seems fine with the switch and has taken to Costco's generic formula just fine. Which is a good thing since it's half the price of the name brands.
However, ignorance was bliss. Now that I know I could handle a C cup (quite well, thank you), I suppose I'll start saving up for my 50th birthday present. Renato Saltz did an amazing job on my friend's breasts; hope he's around by then.
Sage was soo cute tonight. We've been taking showers because she hated the bath but tonight was a break-through. Instead of trying to take a bath with her while she screamed bloody murder, I sat her in her baby tub with warm water and the shower going. At first she fussed but then settled in and started reaching for the floaty toys I tossed in. Once she seemed focused on them, I turned off the shower and voila!
Is it just me or am I that weird that motherhood and babydom are as smooth as a puppy's coat (so far)? Perhaps it was my experience raising Tenaya. In 1997, I dedicated myself to being the best dog mom on earth. Unlike other people who get a dog, dont' train it, never walk it, and kennel the poor thing whenever they leave home, Tenaya went everywhere with me; I trained her extensively so that it was possible. We traveled together and when she couldn't come with, I made sure she had care at my house. I bred her, helped her deliver 10 outstanding puppies, handpicking each's new home. Was that practice for the baby to come? I hear all of these scary and sad tales of mothers struggling with their "new life", raging hormones, babyfat, sleepless nights. I can't relate. And I can't believe that I am the only mother not whining. Sage is amazing, adorable, happy, fun to watch and all of those other things every babysitter showers on me. Up until this month I've spent most days and nights with her- movies, restaurants, travel, work. Life goes on but now Tenaya and I have a little buddy.
I get my sleep. She takes two long naps during the day and sleeps 10 hours at night. Soundly. While I watch TV and work. When she's awake, I feed her, change her, read to her, then set her in her crib or exersaucer or bouncy chair to play. She doesn't need my attention so I cook, clean, do laundry, write, shower - all of my normal daily activities. I've found excellent sitters who love spending time with her so I can ski when (er, if) there's good snow or a lesson to teach. I have been told that my attitude and ease have a lot to do with Sage's temperament. I'm not overly protective or rigid. I don't stress. We keep hours that work for both of us, I don't hover and if she wants to make Play-Dough of her cereal, why not? I've got the babywipes on the kitchen counter.
The one significant change in my life (besides the financial strain) is the endless stream of laundry. But I'm handling that too. Maybe my trials have yet to appear. Toddler years? Teen years? It can't all be flat water. Or maybe it is me and I waited just long enough in my life to be ready and able to care for a child without feeling lost, overwhelmed, frightened and angry; so Sage doesn't feel those things either. When I finally decided I was ready for a child, I wanted her as much as I've wanted anything in my life and even when she's crying I find it sweet. A little helpless baby cry that goes away in moments- with a cuddle or warm bottle of milk.

She's got two crooked, bottom baby teeth. The first bothered her a bit but nothing a soft cloth and Tylenol couldn't handle. The second popped out of nowhere without fuss.
Sage still doesn't like spending time on her tummy but she tolerates it. I picked her up from Mardi's house last week and she was on a rug at her feet while Mardi was doing dishes. Reminded me of those puppies. Sage looked up at me from the floor as if to say, "You back already?" She rolls over only when she feels like it; which isn't often. Her big belly could be the culprit. Talk about pudge! Eighteen pounds of squeezeableness. I call her Pooh Bear because, well, she's shaped like Pooh. She eats everything. I'm doing the jar food- green beans, peas, squash, sweet potatoes, applesauce, pears. She opens wide for it all. Can't you tell? ;)
No allergies yet so we'll soon move onto Stage 2 foods.
We went bowling yesterday. Kristen had a friend in town – Mike from REM- and we met up with them. Baker, Bresee and a few others. Bresee said I looked great and later said I was "hot". I hadn't heard those words from a man in a while. That was cool. That was very cool. It's not like I don't get out but I certainly don't put myself out there like that. Sometimes I wonder if motherhood cosmically changes your vibe. It was refreshing to hear otherwise. John, Thanks for that!!
We left the lanes about 10:30 p.m. Sage was already asleep in her car seat. She woke long enough for me to change her diaper and move her to her crib.
It's been a busy month with my teaching schedule at Park City Mountain Resort- four days a week. I want to spend more time with her but that will have to wait until next week. The snow totally sucks and it's not supposed to get any better so we can hang out a lot more. I haven't missed any milestones though!
She sits up without support. Crawling will be next. I'm sure my mobility will be curbed. But maybe not. I've been 'lucky' so far.

Every day, I wake and peer into her crib. Sometimes she's sleeping soundly; other times she's awake and quietly playing with her hands or "binky". When she spots me looking, her face lights up, a broad smile breaks and her eyes open wide. She coos and squeals with delight. I think that's my favorite part of the day now. Tenaya's here too. She picks up her head from her bed, ears propped and moves closer. My little family. We're all lucky.

P.S. Current photos are posted at www.dropshots.com/pcskigal