Cthulhu Mansion

Year: 1990

Director: Juan Piquer Simon

Written by: Juan Piquer Simon

Threat: Haunted House

Weapon of Choice: Black Magic

Based upon: Original

IMDb page: IMDb link

      Cthulhu Mansion

Other movies in this series:

Rish Outfield's reviews
I shouldn't have rented this movie. I thought tyranist would thank me, since he's a much bigger Lovecraft fan than I am, but instead, after the movie, he kicked me until I lost consciousness, and I woke up covered with spit. And I deserved it. It was BAD.
I don't think it ended up being based on any Lovecraft tale, although Mr. Lovecraft's madness may have been fueled by a Cassandra-like knowledge that this film would be made and attributed to him, sometime in the future.
Lovecraft was insane, right?
The premise was simple: a bunch of terrible actors playing drug punks take a magician and his daughter hostage, and find the magician's house haunted by some really poor special effects.
This had THE WORST acting I believe I can ever remember in a film. And that's including Adult Film. But don't tell Mom.
Melanie Shatner, daughter of the world's greatest actor, has a small, but ineffectual part here, and you know, that's the best thing about this movie.
The dialogue sucks, the effects are lame, the scares are off visiting the arcade, and the pacing is non-existent.
I know this review isn't long, and it doesn't do the horribleness of this movie justice, but I ask you to forgive me, and take my word for it, vowing on your firstborn child's very spine, that you won't see this movie.
Thank you and have a nice day.

The tyranist's thoughts
I believe that to date this is our all time high skull earner. That should be an indication to you how much this movie sucked. There are movies that I have liked less than this one, or rather hated more, but this one ranks among the stupidest movies that I have ever had the horror to view. Problem number one is that they lulled us in with the cool title Cthulhu Mansion. Fantastic, I am expectings something totally Lovecraftian based on that. Do they deliver? Not even a little. There is so little about the movie that can even be tied to Lovecraft that I would daresay they didn't know who he was and had only seen the name Cthulhu in passing and thinking it was cool decided to name their movie that and then just went and made a sub-standard horror movie that had not only been more or less done before, but had no redeeming values whatsoever.
Sorry. Really, I just hated this movie. It started in a cool Bradbury-esque carnival and went steeply downhill from there. If you love Lovecraft stay away from this one. You will only be offended.

Total Skulls: 39

Sequel setup
Rips off earlier film
Horror film showing on TV/in theater in movie
Future celebrity appears
Former celebrity appears
Bad title
Bad premise skullskull
Bad acting skullskull
Bad dialogue skullskull
Bad execution skullskull
MTV Editing
Girl unnecessarily gets naked
Wanton sex skull
Death associated with sex
Unfulfilled promise of nudity skull
Characters forget about threat skull
Secluded location
Power is cut skull
Phone lines are cut skull
Someone investigates a strange noise skull
Someone runs up stairs instead of going out front door skullskull
Camera is the killer
Victims cower in front of a window/door skull
Victim locks self in with killer
Victim running from killer inexplicably falls
Toilet stall scene
Shower/bath scene skull
Car stalls or won't start
Cat jumps out skull
Fake scare skull
Laughable scare skull
Stupid discovery of corpse
Dream sequence
No one believes only witness
Crazy, drunk, old man knows the truth
Music detracts from scene skull
Death in first five minutes skull
x years before/later skull
Dark and stormy night skull
Killer doesn't stay dead skull
Killer wears a mask
Killer is in closet
Killer is in car with victim skull
Villain is more sympathetic than heroes
Unscary villain/monster
Blood fountain skullskull
Blood hits camera
Poor death effect skullskull
Excessive gore
No one dies at all
Virgin survives skull
Geek/Nerd survives
Little kid lamely survives
Dog/Pet miraculously survives
Unresolved subplots skullskull
"It was all a dream" ending
Unbelievably happy ending skull
Unbelievably crappy ending skullskull
What the hell? skullskull