Director: Juan Piquer Simon
Written by: Juan Piquer Simon
Threat: Haunted House
Weapon of Choice: Black Magic
Based upon: Original
Other movies in this series:
Rish Outfield's reviews
I shouldn't have rented this movie. I thought tyranist would thank me, since he's a much bigger Lovecraft fan than I am, but instead, after the movie, he kicked me until I lost consciousness, and I woke up covered with spit. And I deserved it. It was BAD.
I don't think it ended up being based on any Lovecraft tale, although Mr. Lovecraft's madness may have been fueled by a Cassandra-like knowledge that this film would be made and attributed to him, sometime in the future.
Lovecraft was insane, right?
The premise was simple: a bunch of terrible actors playing drug punks take a magician and his daughter hostage, and find the magician's house haunted by some really poor special effects.
This had THE WORST acting I believe I can ever remember in a film. And that's including Adult Film. But don't tell Mom.
Melanie Shatner, daughter of the world's greatest actor, has a small, but ineffectual part here, and you know, that's the best thing about this movie.
The dialogue sucks, the effects are lame, the scares are off visiting the arcade, and the pacing is non-existent.
I know this review isn't long, and it doesn't do the horribleness of this movie justice, but I ask you to forgive me, and take my word for it, vowing on your firstborn child's very spine, that you won't see this movie.
Thank you and have a nice day.
The tyranist's thoughts
I believe that to date this is our all time high skull earner. That should be an indication to you how much this movie sucked. There are movies that I have liked less than this one, or rather hated more, but this one ranks among the stupidest movies that I have ever had the horror to view. Problem number one is that they lulled us in with the cool title Cthulhu Mansion. Fantastic, I am expectings something totally Lovecraftian based on that. Do they deliver? Not even a little. There is so little about the movie that can even be tied to Lovecraft that I would daresay they didn't know who he was and had only seen the name Cthulhu in passing and thinking it was cool decided to name their movie that and then just went and made a sub-standard horror movie that had not only been more or less done before, but had no redeeming values whatsoever.
Sorry. Really, I just hated this movie. It started in a cool Bradbury-esque carnival and went steeply downhill from there. If you love Lovecraft stay away from this one. You will only be offended.
Total Skulls: 39
|Rips off earlier film|
|Horror film showing on TV/in theater in movie|
|Future celebrity appears|
|Former celebrity appears|
|Girl unnecessarily gets naked|
|Death associated with sex|
|Unfulfilled promise of nudity|
|Characters forget about threat|
|Power is cut|
|Phone lines are cut|
|Someone investigates a strange noise|
|Someone runs up stairs instead of going out front door|
|Camera is the killer|
|Victims cower in front of a window/door|
|Victim locks self in with killer|
|Victim running from killer inexplicably falls|
|Toilet stall scene|
|Car stalls or won't start|
|Cat jumps out|
|Stupid discovery of corpse|
|No one believes only witness|
|Crazy, drunk, old man knows the truth|
|Music detracts from scene|
|Death in first five minutes|
|x years before/later|
|Dark and stormy night|
|Killer doesn't stay dead|
|Killer wears a mask|
|Killer is in closet|
|Killer is in car with victim|
|Villain is more sympathetic than heroes|
|Blood hits camera|
|Poor death effect|
|No one dies at all|
|Little kid lamely survives|
|Dog/Pet miraculously survives|
|"It was all a dream" ending|
|Unbelievably happy ending|
|Unbelievably crappy ending|
|What the hell?|