[Here are eight practical suggestions for strengthening our marriages, now and in the future.]
Barbara and I have been blessed with six children. Some years ago, when
we had taken
all of them to visit with their
grandparents, my father said, "Joe, I think you and Barbara have
started something you can't stop."
At this Easter season, we declare to all the world that Jesus is the Christ
and that through
his holy priesthood and its sealing
power, marriages and families ideally need never stop--need never come
to an end.
Today, I would like to speak to all of you about our marriages. Here
are eight practical suggestions that, hopefully, may be of value in strengthening
our marriages, now and in the
future.
1. Remember the central importance of your marriage. Listen to these words
from Elder
Bruce R. McConkie on the importance
of marriage in our Father in Heaven's "great plan of happiness" (Alma 42:8):
"From the moment of birth into mortality to the time we are
married in the temple, everything we have in the whole gospel
system is to prepare and qualify us to enter that holy order of
matrimony which makes us husband and wife in this life and in the
world to come ....
"There is nothing in this world as important as the creation
and perfection of family units" ("Salvation Is a Family Affair,"
Improvement Era, June 1970, pp. 43-44).
2. Pray for the success of your marriage. Years ago, when it was common
for a General Authority to tour a mission and interview all the missionaries,
Elder Spencer W. Kimball, then a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, was
visiting with an eider who was just
about to finish his mission.
"When you get released, Elder, what are your plans?"
"Oh, I plan to go back to college," and then with a smile added, "then
I hope to fall in love
and get married."
Elder Kimball shared this wise counsel: "Well, don't just pray to
marry the one you love. Instead, pray to love the one you marry."
We should pray to become more kind, courteous, humble, patient, forgiving, and especially, less selfish.
In order to recognize our personal problems or weaknesses which hinder
us from being
better marriage partners, we
should come to the Lord in prayer and reap the benefits of this powerful
Book of Mormon promise: "If men come unto me I will show unto them their
weakness
.... For if they humble themselves
before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak
things become strong unto them"
(Ether 12:27).
And so the need to pray. Many church leaders and marriage counselors indicate
that they
have not seen one marriage in
serious trouble where the couple was still praying together
daily.
When problems arise and marriages are threatened, praying together as a
couple may be
the most important remedy.
3. Listen. Make the time to listen to your spouse; even schedule
it regularly. Visit with
each other and assess how you
are doing as a marriage partner.
Brother Brent Barlow posed a question to a group of priesthood brethren:
"How many of
you would like to receive a revelation?"
Every hand went up. He then suggested that they all go home and ask their
wives how
they could be better husbands.
He added, "I followed my own advice, and had a very
informative discussion with [my
wife] Susan for more than an hour that afternoon!"
(ENSIGN, Sept. 1992, p. 17.)
A conversation like that could be a revelation for any of us.
Have any of you brethren ever had your wife say something like I heard
recently:
"Joe, are you listening?" She
wasn't the only one who wondered if I was listening. Some
time ago, I was taking a nap
and our little granddaughter Allison came and lifted up one
of my eyelids and said, "Grandpa,
are you in there?" We should be "in there" and responsive
to our mate.
4. Avoid "ceaseless pinpricking." Don't be too critical of each other's
faults. Recognize
that none of us is perfect. We
all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders
have urged us to become.
"Ceaseless pinpricking" (as President Kimball called it) can deflate almost any marriage ("Marriage and Divorce," Brigham Young University 1976 Speeches of the Year, Provo, Utah: University Publications, 1977, p. 148).
Generally, each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don't need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive.
At times it is better to leave some things unsaid. As a newlywed, Sister
Lola Walters
read in a magazine that in order
to strengthen a marriage a couple should have regular,
candid sharing sessions in which
they would list any mannerisms they found to be annoying.
She wrote:
"We were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off.
I told him that I
didn't like the way he ate grapefruit.
He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I
knew ate grapefruit like that.
Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching
her husband eat grapefruit like an orange?...
"After I finished [with my five], it was his turn to tell the things he
disliked about me ....
[He] said, 'Well, to tell the
truth, I can't think of any-thing I don't like about you, Honey.'
"Gasp.
"I quickly turned my back, because I didn't know how toexplain the tears
that had filled
my eyes and were running down
my face.,
Sister Waiters concluded: "Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible,
I
always wonder if they are suffering
from what I now call the Grapefruit Syndrome"
(ENSIGN, Apr. 1993, p. 13).
Yes, at times, it is better to leave some things unsaid.
5. Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together--just the
two of you.
As important as it is to be with
the children as
a family, you need regular weekly time
alone together.
Scheduling it will let your children
know that you feel that your marriage
is so important that you need
to nurture it. That takes commitment,
planning, and
scheduling.
It doesn't need to be costly. The time together is the mostimportant element.
Once when my father-in-law was leaving the house after lunchto return to
the field
to work, my mother-in-law said,
"Albert, you get
right back in here and tell me you love
me." He grinned andjokingly
said, "Elsie, when we were married, I told you I lovedyou,
and if that ever changes, I'll
let you know." It's hard to overuse
the expression, "I love you."
Use it daily.
6. Be quick to say, "I'm sorry." As hard as it is to form thewords, be
swift to say,
"I apologize, and please forgive
me," even though
you are not the one who is totally at
fault. True love
is developed by
those who are willing to readily admit personal mistakes
and offenses.
When differences do arise, being able to discuss and resolvethem is important,
but
there are instances when it is
best to take a
time-out. Biting your tongue and counting to
ten or even ahundred is important.
And occasionally, even letting the sun go down
on your
wrath can help bring you back
to the problem in the morning
more rested, calm, and with a
better chance for resolution.
Occasionally, we hear something like, "Why, we have beenmarried for
fifty years,
and we have never had a difference
of opinion." If
that is literally the case, then one of
the partnersis overly dominated
by the other or, as someone said, is a stranger to
the
truth. Any intelligent
couple will have differences of opinion.
Our challenge is to be sure
that we know how to resolvethem.
That is part of the process of making a good marriage
better.
7. Learn to live within your means. Some of the most difficultchallenges
in marriage
arise in the area of finances.
"The American Bar
Association... indicated that 89 percent of
all divorces couldbe traced to
quarrels and accusations over money" (ENSIGN, July 1975,
p. 72). Be willing to postpone
or forgo some purchases in order
to stay within your budget.
Pay your tithing first and avoiddebt
insofar as possible. Remember that spending fifty
dollars a month
less than you receive equals happiness and spending fiftymore equals
misery. The time may have
come to get out the scissors, your
credit cards, and perform
what Elder Holland called some"plastic
surgery" (ENSIGN, June 1986, p. 30).
8. Be a true partner in home and family responsibilities.Don't be like
the husband who
sits around home expecting to
be waited on, feeling
that earning the living is his chore and
that his
wife alone is responsible for the house and taking care of thechildren.
The task of
caring for home and family is
more than one person's
responsibility. Remember that you are
in this partnership
together. Barbara and I have discovered that we can make
our bed every morning in less than a minute and it's done forthe day. She
says that she lets me do it to
help me feel good aboutmyself
all day, and I guess there may be some- thing to that.
Find time to study the scriptures together, and follow thissound counsel
from President Kimball: "When a husband and wife go together
frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together intheir home with
their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings,
keep
their lives wholly chaste, mentally
and physically...and both are working together for the
upbuilding of thekingdom of God,
then happiness is at its pinnacle" (Marriage and
Divorce, Salt Lake City: Deseret
Book Co., 1976, p. 24).
In summary:
Remember the central importance of your marriage.
A Pray for its success.
Listen.
Avoid "ceaseless pinpricking."
Keep your courtship alive.
Be quick to say, "I'm sorry."
Learn to live within your means.
Be a true partner in home and family responsibilities.
I testify that Jesus is the Christ. The tomb was empty on thatthird day,
and "as in
Adam all die, even so in Christ
shall all be made
alive" (1 Cor. 15:22). Thus with gratitude
for the sealingpower within the
restored gospel of Jesus Christ, we can confidently
say with
the poet, "I shall but
love thee better after death"
(Elizabeth Barrett Browning, "How Do I
Love Thee?").
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
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