Celestial Dating "Listening to the Words of the Prophets"
Preface to parents and young adults:
David of old, choice in
the sight of God, allowed his eternal soul to fall into the depths of hell.
Can we say that God has been with us as much as He was with David in his
youth? Can we claim the faith in God
that David showed? Yet, David fell! We can fall too,
no matter how choice we are. To fail to understand that is to have
fallen prey to one of Satan’s biggest lies.
Why did David Fall? He failed to obey his God. In doing this he physically placed himself in a position which could allow sin to strike. Had David turned away his head and not invited Bathsheba to his home, he likely would be exalted today.
I have looked into the
tear-filled, sorrowful eyes of too many good latter-day saint youth involved
in moral transgressions not to know how easy it is to fall. I have
asked myself time and time again why some
fall and others do not. Surely such a question would require
a very complicated answer. Yet, after many hundreds of hours of interviews,
it became obvious that those who had fallen into transgression, had simply
made some common errors.
Time after time, physical surroundings, circumstances, and activities were all repeated, and all seemed to set the stage for sin to seize young lives. Bitterness, regret, sorrow, and a feeling of despair quickly replaced excitement and enthusiasm.
The message of the following rules is plain and simple: You CAN and must be the one to control your life in order to be free from sin.
Where you are, who you are with, where you are going, what you are doing, and what time you are doing it, are all controlled by you, and will help or hinder you.
Following many interviews, it became apparent, that the key to maintaining
moral chastity was in preventive action. President Kimball put it
this way: "The secret of the good life is in protection and
prevention. Those who yield to evil are usually those who
have placed themselves in a vulnerable position."
To help substantiate what I have written, I have used many quotes from President Kimball, but much of the counsel comes from hours of interviews with young people. To follow these rules will require humility and spiritual strength added to a desire to be valiant.
Prayer, scripture study,
church attendance and giving service to others are all necessary prerequisites
to having the strength to follow the counsel. These rules are strict,
but, make no mistake, so is the Lord
strict! The rewards of a chaste live are far greater than
the sacrifices necessary to follow this counsel. There is hardly
anything greater to assist you in obtaining the Celestial Kingdom than
to be worthy to marry the right person a t the proper time in you life,
in the Temple.
RULES FOR CELESTIAL DATING:
1. NO DATING UNTIL AGE 16.
President Kimball tells us, "Any dating or pairing
off in social contacts should be postponed until at least the age
of 16 or older, and even then there should be much judgement used in
selections and in the seriousness." President Kimball goes on
to counsel us that beginning the dating process too soon almost
always brings young immature marriages or immorality and sin.
He says that early dating is often done with parental approval, "yet it
is near
criminal to subject a tender child to the temptations of
maturity."
Remember, NO STEADY DATING until after missions.
It is an excellent idea to double or group date for most of your dating
until at least the age of 18.
(Quotes in order: Ensign, Feb. 1975, p. 4: Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 223)
NOTE TO PARENTS: Don’t innocently apply "parent pressure"
to your young people to disobey counsel by encouraging them to date by
attending special dances before age 16. We are dealing with a principle
of
obedience here. President Kimball does NOT qualify his counsel
by saying. "Don’t date until you are 16 . . . unless you are a mature
15 . . . or, unless your parents approve of the kind of young man or lady
. . . or, unless you will be missing the Sophomore Prom."
2. MISSIONS BEFORE SERIOUS DATING.
President Kimball advises, "Everyboy should have been saving
money for his mission and be free from any and all entanglements
so he will be worthy. When he is returned from his mission
at 21, he should feel free to begin to get acquainted and to date."
He tells us further that, ". . . one can have all the blessings
if he is in control and takes the experiences in proper turn, first
some limited social get-acquainted contacts, then his mission, then hiscourting,
then his temple marriage and his schooling and his family, then
his life’s work," A
word to you young ladies of the church: You should
always encourage a young man to fulfill his mission. NEVER be
the cause of a young man deciding to stay home for any reason, for you
will be held accountable! Missions for young men of the church
supersede marriage in importance from ages 19 to 25 (mission age).
(Quotes: Ensign, Feb. 1975, p. 4)
3. DO NOT DATE NONMENBERS OR UNWORTHY MEMBERS. NO
MISSIONARY WORK ONE-ON-ONE WITH MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.
I do not believe that the Lord would expect the choice young people
of His Church to find their eternal mates among nonmembers or inactive
members! It does not make sense. He would not ask us to go
against both His Counsel through the ages or against the counsel of his
prophets. President Kimball tells us, : . . . clearly, right marriage
begins with right dating . . . therefore, this warning comes with great
emphasis. DO NOT take the chance of dating nonmembers, or members
who are untrained and faithless.: Do not rationalize this by saying
that you are doing missionary work. The Lord does not instruct us
to do missionary work in
romantic relationships. This kind of friendshipping should
be done in groups. Missionary work must be done without hazard of
emotional romantic involvement that leads to conditions which confuse the
potential candidate as to his purpose in investigating or joining the Church,
I am quite aware that we have faithful
members of the Church who have joined as a result of exposure to
the Church by their spouse. We are grateful for them; however, for
every success story, there are numerous tragic stories of members and nonmembers
alike being hurt by such, Have the faith to follow the prophet in
this most important matter.
(Quote: The Miracle of Forgiveness p. 241)
4. DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN "KISSING-HUGGING" SESSIONS.
This is called "making out" or "necking". I am not talking
about the serious sin of "petting", but the lengthy make-out sessions that
many feel are "okay" as long as you do not let it go too far. President
Kimball teaches us, " . . . among the most common sexual sins our young
people commit are necking and petting. Not only do these improper
relations often lead to fornication, pregnancy, and abortions---all ugly
sins---but in and of themselves they are pernicious evils . . .
". Necking or making out, the kissing-hugging
session, is wrong IN AND OF ITSELF, not just because it may
lead to something worse, I am not saying that there isn’t a proper
time in dating relationship to kiss. There is a proper time andplace.
President Kimball advises us, " . . . kissing would be saved at least
until these later hallowed courtship days when they could
be free from sex and have holy meaning." In an address
delivered to RETURNED MISSIONARIES (not high school-aged people,
but those in the courting years), President Kimball said,
" . . . a kiss is an evidence of affection. A kiss is an evidence
of love, not an evidence of lust---butit can be. Don’t ever let a
kiss in your courtship spell lust. Necking and petting are
lustful; they are not love . . . I don’t mind your kissing
each other after you have had several dates; [remember who he
is speaking to here--returned missionaries], but not the ‘Hollywood
kiss,’ not the kiss of passion, but the kiss of affection, and there
won’t be any trouble. Now remember these things."
(Quotes in order: The Miracle of Forgiveness
p. 65, Ibid; p. 231; An address delivered by
Elder Spencer Kimball Jan. 2, 1959.)
5. NO FRENCH KISSING.
This type of conduct is far too intimate and is extremely
suggestive. A French kiss is the "Hollywood" kiss that
President Kimball described above.
6. DO NOT PARK.
Especially in the high school years, parking in an automobile
has been the down fall of many choice young people. The prophet,
President Kimball, tells us that, "in interviewing repenting young
folks, as well as some older ones, I am frequently told that the couple
met their defeat in the dark, at late hours, in secluded areas …the car
was most often the confessed seat of the difficulty, It became
their brothel." BEWARE. Often I have found that a couple
originally parked to discuss a problem or work out an argument—not
to make out—however, after the problem was resolved, they kissed
to make-up and things developed from there. It does not matter
the reason; DO NOT PARK. After a date, GO HOME! Once
you get home, go into the house, ALONE! Just don’t ever place
yourself where something could happen. Remember President
Kimball’s statement, " . . . those who yield to evil are usually
those who have placed themselves in a vulnerable position."
7. NEVER, NEVER GO INTO A HOME OR AN APARTMENT ALONE.
I estimate that 80% to 85% of the young people I interviewed, who
were involved in a moral transgression of any sort, got involved in a home
or an apartment. This is especially true of college age members who
have their own apartments. If you would live just this one rule ALWAYS,
you would significantly reduce your chances of ever falling. If you
are in a home or apartment with others and they slowly all leave except
for you and your partner, then ONE OF YOU should leave at that time also!
DO NOT underestimate the power of Satan to use your natural drives, if
you place yourself in a vulnerable position enough times YOU WILL FALL.
Don’t give Satan a chance . . . that is all he needs!
8. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GO INTO A BEDROOM.
Bedrooms are not for entertaining friends of the opposite sex;
not even to listen to records, watch TV, do homework or etc. Do not
let a bedroom become a familiar place to be with members of the opposite
sex.
9. NO BACK RUBS.
Becoming too familiar with each other physically offers liberties
NOT entitled to single couples, and is wrong. Back rubs hove too
often led to more intimate acts.
10. DO NOT LIE DOWN BY EACH OTHER OR ON TOP OF EACH OTHER.
I’m sorry to have to be so blunt, but lying down to watch TV, lying
down in the park, on the beach or wherever, places you in a position that
is not needed and is spiritually unhealthy. When you watch
TV, SIT UP! When you go on a picnic. Sit up! When you
have a good night kiss (at the proper time in a relationship)
don’t recline to do it. ALSO, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER lie
on top of each other. This is absolutely wrong. And, this
advise applies to all young people - especially engaged couples.
11. ATTEND ONLY WHOLESOME ACTIVITIES.
"X", "R", and most "PG-13" and "PG" rated movies are NOT appropriate
to see on dates or at any time. President Kimball advises us
that, "… danger spots likely to have most appeal among the youth, and which
should be shunned as one would shun a poisonous serpent, are undesirable
movies and improper TV programs." I have had many Church members
(young and old) tell me that they just "overlook" the filth in a movie
and not let it affect them adversely. That’s IMPOSSIBLE! You
cannot go to a movie or to any entertainment which portrays sexual, violent
or verbal pornographic material, as domost movies today, and not be affected
and spiritually hurt. It affects you whether you like it or
not! In fact, if you find that this kind of material does not offend
you, then this is a sure sign that you have already been spiritually damagedin
your life and don’t even know it. We should avoid drive-in
movies for dates. President Kimball, in talking of drive-in movies,
said the following:"There in the car, in dark privacy, with suggestive,
voluptuous acting on the screen, was Satan’s near-perfect setting
for sin. With outward appearances of decency and respectability,
with an absence of holy immoral acts - acts which would at least
be much less likely in the living room or in the formal theater
on Main Street." Further, if you find yourself at a party
where alcoholic beverages are being served, where the lighting is poor,
where couples are making out in the corners, where drugs are being
used, or anything else not conducive to maintaining the spirit, LEAVE!
When you are at dances be careful of your posture on slow dances (NO
BEAR HUGGING AT ALL even though everyone else [Mormon’s included]
are doing it), and be careful of your intimations on fast dances.
Now, please never go to bars - even just to dance or listen to the
music. If you frequent bars, you will fall into serious transgressions.
I HAVE YET TO FIND AN EXCEPTION TO THAT STATEMENT.
(Quotes in order: The Miracle of Forgiveness p. 229; Ibid, p. 225)
NOTE TO PARENTS: You would be horrified to observe the Satanic, evil atmosphere at the Rock Concerts some of our young people are attending. Be aware of this and the environment that is associated with your children’s other activities. Don’t assume anything. If your child is invited to a party at a friend’s home, don’t "assume" it will be chaperoned. Talk to the parents, so you know it will be. (By the way, just because parents are home doesn’t mean they are "chaperoning". There are too many parties where parents are upstairs watching TV while the young people are in a dark basement dancing and making out in the corners!) Don’t assume that the video movie at the Sunday School party will be appropriate – know what is going to be shown before you accept the invitation. When your children leave your home, you should always know where they are going, who they will be with, where you can contact them if necessary, and when you can expect them back!
12. NO IMMODEST DRESS.
Dress that is modest and becoming an LDS young man or young
lady is most important at all times and is most important when dating.
Girls, immodest clothing includes two-piece swimming suits or ones
with low necklines and french-cut sides, halter tops, short shorts,
tight-fitting clothes, short skirts, low necklines, etc. Boys,
keep your shirts on and buttonedup! (Even in the summer) President
Kimball tells us that those who do not actively resist the evil
influence of immodesty will "absorb and foster it." He goes on to
say, "I
see some of our LDS mothers, wives, and daughters wearing dresses
extreme and suggestive in style. Even some fathers encourage it.
I wonder if our sisters realize the temptation they are flaunting
before men whenthey leave their bodies partly uncovered or dress in tight-fitting,
body-revealing, form-fitting sweaters … We cannot overemphasize immodesty
as one of the pitfalls to be avoided if we would shun temptation and keep
ourselves clean." On occasions, I have found young ladies who wore
things which were immodest
and did not realize it. ALL looked well in the mirror as they
stood there with shoulders back and standing up straight. What they
did not realize is that they don’t stand straight all day - they sit, they
stoop, they lean over, and their clothes become immodest. Make sure
all of your clothing is modest for all occasions.
One of the most disappointing times I had as a Bishop was when I
took the ward members swimming and saw the immodest suits the girls wore.
After that occasion, I had to announce for the girls to wear a T-shirt
over their suits at future ward parties. How unfortunate that any
LDS girl would own a swimming suit that she could not use for LDS functions.
Girls, as hard as it may be, search until you can find a modest
swimming suit or make your own!
(Quote: The Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 226.)
13. DATE IN COUPLES OR GROUPS MOST OFTEN.
Even after the age of 18, it is desirable to date in couples or
groups. Dating in groups is not only safer, but you will find that
it is much more enjoyable. You will also get to know things about
your date that you could not find out any other way because with more people,
there is naturally more conversation. As we get
older, we tend to think that we are "above" group dating.
This is a serious error. Do not make single dating the largest portion
of your dating. Sometimes when we start to like someone quite a bit,
we tend to single date almost exclusively . . . this is a dangerous mistake.
14. NO LATE HOURS. We should be in from our dates by
12:30 (college age) and 12:00 (high school age) or sooner. Most proper
functions will end in time for you to go straight home and be in on time.
Do not make
it a habit to be out late or up late for that matter. Not
all moral problems occur late at night, but many, many do! When we
are tired and have become more relaxed with each other through the evening,
it is very easy to let down our guard . . . that is all Satan needs.
Resistance seems to be lower at night, so make it a habit to be in early
from your dates. THIS DOES NOT MEAN that if you go to one of your
homes you can stay up longer than this hour. You both should be at
your respective homes at this time.
NOTE TO PARENTS: You would be shocked to know the number of
your young people that I have talked to that lost their virtue in their
own front room, or family room, or bedroom, while their parents were home,
but
asleep in their own bedroom or in another part of the house.
WAIT UP until your children come home from their dates. This
is a great time to talk with them and to sense how the evening went.
They could never
come home with alcohol or other substance on their breath without
your knowing, if you waited up for them. Also, when the young people
are at your home, chaperone them. Don’t let a young couple go to
parts of the
home for long periods of time.
15. EACH PARTNER SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS. Dating is a two-way arrangement. You are each responsible for your own actions. Never allow another person to control your actions. Never say to yourself, "this young man or woman is so good that they could never do anything wrong. Whatever they would do would be okay." Anyone can make errors. You must have firmly planted in your mind right from wrong, and do not let ANYONE talk you into anything that would not meet the Savior’s approval. Know exactly what you are going to do on a date before you go. To go on a date without a plan may sound harmless, or even exciting, but it can lead to trouble very easily.
16. DISCUSS DATING RULES WITH PARTNERS. As you date, especially with those you really like, discuss these rules and your standards so that you each understand what you expect from yourself and your relationship with each other. Set the stops now while your minds are clear and unhampered by emotions. It is virtually impossible to set them in the middle of a passion-filled night. If a dating partner is not willing to follow these rules or thinks they are too strict, DROP THEM FLAT! Never let your standards relax . . . even for what may seem to be the best young man or woman you have ever known! If you want the help of the Lord and his blessings, follow his counsel.
17. DO NOT THINK THAT YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION TO THESE RULES.
Don’t say to yourself, "Boy do I know so-and-so who needs these rules."
The rules are for you! To think that it could never happen to you
is a major error of gigantic proportions. IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU.
It can happen to
you, to Bishops, to stake Presidents or anyone who places themselves
in such a position. Rules are for everyone. I remember clearly
a visiting general authority counseling the bishops in my stake to never
interview a woman in the ward alone in the building, and to not give women
or young ladies rides somewhere alone. Why are there rules for bishops?
Because they too can fall! I believe that, and I followed that advice.
On cold winter days, after interviewing a young lady in the Institute building,
I would drive back to work and pass her on the road as she walked back
to the dorm. RULES ARE FOR EVERYONE. Don’t ever think,
"Oh, I would never do that so it is okay if I go into an apartment alone,
or park, or whatever." This is an open invitation to Satan to prove
you wrong! And, he will! The biggest error of all is to think
that you are an exception to one of these rules.
Now these are not all
of the rules we might follow in dating. If you have good parents,
they may have similar or other rules like these. They may limit the
number of dates you have in a month, or require that you go out with a
variety of partners rather than not just one. But, I have never talked
to a young person yet who has committed a moral transgression of ANY kind
who has not broken several of these rules.
Remember, breaking these
rules interferes with Celestial Dating and falling in love. They
DO NOT bind you down, but rather free you from the things that cause countless
heartaches. . . things that have
contributed to many a Celestial candidate falling to a lower kingdom.
By: President Steven H. and Anita Satterfield, Pocatello, Idaho