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 My
wife and I have been married for so long that I won't say
how long - it might conjure nasty visuals given the rest
of what I will say. We are each at different stages of leaving
Mormonism, and have recently had some experiences that are
so profoundly meaningful to us that I will share them, despite
their intimate nature. I will not use my real name in order
to preserve my wife's and my confidentiality in light of
the intimate nature of what I am about to share with you.
It has been fascinating
to feel (and that is the important word) life come into
our relationship as we leave Mormonism. A lot of that has
had to do with raw sensuality that stirs some of our deepest
and most powerful emotional forces. I have long said that
intellectual forces are ineffectual against the kind of
emotional firepower the Church uses, and that one must fight
fire with fire. Here is a perfect example of how that can
happen.
My wife, who
I will call Eve, finally took her garments off about six
months ago. And after having made love and slept naked in
each other arms a number of times (we are both slow learners),
and enjoying waking up in that state and simply laying beside
each other and talking before beginning our day (something
we have never done), we both began to experience some things
that caught our attention.
There is something
about skin-to-skin contact - lots of it - that fills a reservoir
inside of me. It does the same for Eve, but the reservoir
is different for each of us. Most of this experience is
non-erotic. We do make love more frequently than in the
past, but that is the least important part (much to my surprise)
of this process.
Simply lying
naked together and talking pretty much every night and morning
for at least a few minutes, while I rub her back, she my
neck, etc. is satisfying at a level that I have experienced
few times in my life. I would love to see a profile of the
hormonal cocktail this causes.
The feelings
we have, I am sure, have something to do with acceptance
at a deep level, and the simple sensation of human skin
caressing human skin. I have no doubt that humans evolved
to mate in this way - to bond to each other skin to skin,
and so become more like one. This is a powerful part of
what holds a couple together. The "become as one"
concept is still, in my view, a useful metaphor. After laying
together skin to skin for a while in a non-erotic way our
boundaries are impossible to discern.
I am equally
certain that the injunction that within Mormonism even married
couples must "cover their nakedness" in front
of each other and wear garments while sleeping together
is part of the sensory deprivation program Mormonism evolved
to weaken those forces strong enough to interfere with its
control over its members. Mormonism is not unusual in this
regard. Most other ideologies that are successful in the
long term use similar techniques.
While Eve and
I were talking about this recently (while caressing each
other naked in bed), she said she couldn't believe that
Mormon leaders sit around and plan these things. I responded
that they of course do not. The social organizations that
survive in the long term evolve effective means of keeping
their people under control, and these means usually come
to be regarded as "sacred" and hence beyond question.
The Mormon practice
of suppressing
the degree of sensual experience between spouses is
simply one of the countless techniques that ideologies have
evolved over the millennia of their existence that help
to counteract powerful forces that may cause personal interests
or allegiances to dilute institutional power.
In any event,
we both feel more alive than we ever have, and this change
in feeling has been so striking that we have talked about
it a lot. The sexual aspect of our lives has caused some
tension between us in the past, but no more than appears
to be the case with most couples I know well enough to gauge
this. And in our case (which is not always the case, of
course), I have been the one who wanted more love making
while Eve has been too tired, etc. to willingly participate.
Hence, I have often had the feeling when we made love that
it was mechanical and unsatisfying. And there were rare
and wonderful occasions during which there were fireworks
for both of us.
Eve would say
that she felt a lack of acceptance; that she did not feel
that our relationship was emotionally satisfying; that I
did not pay enough attention to her; etc. and that this
as well as the demands made on her physically by child bearing
and child rearing were what deadened her sexually. Her position
was, basically, "What do you expect given all that
I am doing?”
The change that
has occurred during the last month has been nothing short
of miraculous. In the past when we took off all of our clothes,
it was either to shower or to make love. Both of us, we
have realized, were still uncomfortable in some ways being
in each other's presence while naked. Nakedness was a temporary
state required by some functional necessity (getting ready
to shower; to make love; etc.). And it was bad in some inarticulate
way. The injunction to "cover thy nakedness" rang
in our subconscious ears.
When we began
to just lay together, skin to skin, and talk to each other;
to feel each other's pulse and breath; to simply feel our
physical selves, our body-shame began to dissipate. Eve
has taken to locking our bedroom door as soon as we enter
it each night, and undressing down to nothing. I do the
same. We lounge together that way. If I become erect while
with her in that way (not the usual occurrence, by the way),
I no longer feel I need to hide that from her. Seeing me
in that condition used to be bad news from her point of
view, or so I felt. And, there was just something awkward
about having an erection unless we were in bed and she was
ready for me, or at least willing to accommodate me.
Eve now comes
to bed when I do instead of seeming to find almost any excuse
to stay up late while I go to bed relatively early (10 P.M.
roughly) in order to get up early. Now, we both have about
half an hour at the minimum almost every night to feel each
other's intimate, physical presence, and to talk more than
we ever have. In the morning we wake up and do the same
before getting out of bed. This is the best part of the
entire day for me in many respects. We are both rested.
Life comes back into us as we touch each other. Sometimes
this leads to lovemaking, but most of the time it does not.
Eve tells me
that she feels my love and acceptance in a way that is new
to her. A basic need she has felt unfulfilled ever since
we married (and perhaps long before) is being met. She is
satisfied, and happier than she has ever been during our
marriage and probably in her life. This makes her want to
make love more, and more passionately, than ever. I can
feel this as we touch each other whether naked or not, but
particularly while we lie together with nothing between
us. Whether we make love or not, she has completely given
herself to me, and I to her. We both feel this. It is a
new experience for both of us.
From my point
of view, this process works in a completely different fashion
than it does for Eve. As a Mormon male, I had no idea that
I needed non-erotic physical intimacy. When I reluctantly
get out of bed after spending half an hour with my arms
wrapped around Eve, touching her in various ways and talking
to her, I feel as full of life and energy as I have ever
felt. And, I am satiated from a sexual point of view whether
we have made love or not. I do not feel the need to pressure
or cajole Eve into making love. This makes me feel acceptance
at a level I have never felt before.
Eve, for the
first time in our marriage, is sometimes the sexual aggressor
and I am happy to play along. And at other times we simply
drift from the comfortably non-erotic touching into something
more. It is wonderful to simply yield to this process. It
feels like the most natural, and at the same time amazing,
thing one can imagine. There is still a sexual spring that
coils within me in a way it does not in her, but this is
no longer a source of negative tension between us. It is
a part of the process we both relish, in different ways
and for different reasons.
When I think
about being with Eve, naked at the end of the day or before
getting out of bed to start our day, I am not thinking about
sex. I am thinking about the whole experience - the touching;
the feelings of security, acceptance and wonder; the calm
we feel; the two bodies becoming one sensation that dominates
both our love-making and quiet touching; etc. This is a
far larger, more encompassing experience than either of
us has ever had. The very concept of lovemaking has been
redefined for me.
And, most importantly
from my point of view, the experience I have just recounted
has finally broken Eve's Mormon chains. She has become ready
to let go. It has been a bloody long, slow process. It has
been painful for both of us. I have wept a number of times
during the past month as I have thanked her for loving me
enough to stay within shouting distance until this could
happen. And paradoxically, I am as certain as one can be
about this kind of thing that we would not be where we are
now had I not used the sledge hammer - and been ready to
walk out the door - about a year and a half ago.
Next: Mormon
Sexuality...
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