Chapter 11 - Have a Little Taste ...
A
Master Chef, his triumphant fried monkey brains in pickled
kumquat sauce won the gold medal at the Paris World's Fair in
1937. He repeated this at the New York World's Fair of 1964 with
the unforgettable scorpion/maggot casserole with hot fudge sauce.
He has made extraordinary seven course meals using only a toaster
oven and an ice pick. For those who prefer more standard fair,
he cooks a mean, lean cheeseburger.
His twelve-star restaurant, Chez Ptomaine, in the South
Shetland Islands, serves only the finest of regional delicacies such as
pelican in whale blubber sauce and imported hippo 
in whale/pelican sauce. A complimentary bottle of Chateaux d'Ex-Lax is
provided to each diner. Prix Fixe at $400 for lunch, $600 for dinner
(with two bottles).
Some wonderful dishes to be found on menus: lice or bread,
salad bowels, lamp
with bees, crumb chops and of course mice meat pies. For the truly
adventurous, there are buttered saucepans or fried hormones. For the
calorie
conscious, there are "died foods."
His signature wine, Chateaux
Lafitte/Margeaux/Haut Brion/Miller (the only wine made from fermented
Hi-C fruit punch and Kool-Aid) has been awarded the Pepto-Bismal Gold
Medal of Excellence for the last 11 years. His Chateaux d'Ex-Lax (made
from only the finest fermented rotted prunes) bears the endorsement of
the American Proctology Society. Tours of his vineyard in Tierra del
Fuego may be arranged by special request. A generous one-gallon sample
of each wine is poured into each visitor.
His self-peeling banana has proven to always be a popular
dish at the world's finest dining spots.
His discovery that consumers could not tell the difference
has enabled the major producers of dry cereal to substitute used kitty
litter for the much more expensive bran they used to use.
As a special service for readers of this autobiography, Bob has generously included one of his favorite recipes. Though it is titled "Christmas Cake," it is suitable for any festive occasion:
| 1 cup of butter | 4 large eggs |
| 1 teaspoon of baking powder | 1 cup of brown sugar |
| 1 cup of nuts | 1 cup of flour |
| 1 cup of dried fruit | 1 teaspoon of salt |
| lemon juice | 1 bottle of whisky |
- Sample the whisky to check for quality.
- Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again to be sure
it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.
- Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon sugar and beat again.
- Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup.
- Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl
and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
- Mix on the turner. If the fruit gets stuck in the
beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Check the whisky again for
tonsisticity.
- Next, sift to sups of colt, or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky.
- Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
- Add one babblespoon of brown sugar or whatever colour
you can find.
- Mix well. Grease the oven. Turn the cake-pan to 350
degrees.
- Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl
out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
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