NEW MONEY

Money. The mother's milk of politics. The almighty greenback. The love of which is the root of all evil. The lack of which troubles just about everyone.

It's no secret that the United States Treasury is redesigning the paper currency to make it harder to counterfeit. We've all seen the news items about the changes made in the Franklin bill, with a larger picture of old Ben himself, new border designs, and unique watermarks.

But to learn the whole story of the new treasury bills we went undercover to a watering hole in the Washington suburbs to get the straight dope from "John", a Treasury employee who wanted to keep his identity secret. For obvious reasons.

Yuba: John, what are some of the changes in store for American money in the near future?

John: Hopefully we'll be changing some money as soon as this little tea party is over, eh?

Yuba: Yes, of course. But what I meant was, what kinds of changes is the Treasury Department planning for the greenback?

John: Oh, yeah. Right. Well you know that watermark in the new hundred dollar bill? We've come up with a definite improvement on that. Something most people wouldn't think of in a million years. For the new twenty we're going to use a special ink that's invisible in normal light, but when you hold it up to an ultraviolet light you'll be able to see George Stephanopoulos peering over Andrew Jackson's shoulder.

Yuba: Very clever.

John: Actually, it's not very flattering. But George liked it, and helped us push our other changes with the President.

Yuba: What kind of changes?

John: On the bottom of the twenty we've worked a bar code into the design just above and below the words "Twenty Dollars".

Yuba: Nice touch. What does it say?

John: Twenty Dollars.

Yuba: Original.

John: Thank you. It was my idea. Also, we've added microprinting around the center portrait that reads "United States of America. Official U.S. Treasury Bill. Legal Tender for all debts, public and private. This offer void in Medellin and Cali."

Yuba: Is that a big problem in Venezuela?

John: Actually it's not much of a problem with twenties. Most cartel members won't accept anything less than a "C" note. Some "mules" don't even know we make bills in any other denomination.

Yuba: Anything else?

John: We used some special ink on the portrait of Andrew Jackson, too. It's thermosensitive, so that when the temperature rises above 100 degrees the corners of his mouth turn up. It's not really a full smile, more like that Madonna picture in Italy.

Yuba: You mean Mona Lisa?

John: Whatever.

Yuba: Is that all?

John: No, we made two more changes. Most people never read the signatures on a bill anyway, so we decided to have a little fun. Instead of the Secretary of the Treasury, the new twenty will be signed by Hazel O'Leary. She's not the Treasury Secretary, but she's in the cabinet, and she has a lot of experience handing out government money. We thought it was a nice gesture. If it flies, we might be able to sell spots on other bills to the Agriculture Secretary, Interior Secretary, or maybe one of the generals over in the Pentagon.

Yuba: Would the money you make go to pay off the national debt?

John: Hah! You crack me up.

Yuba: What about the little strip on the left side of the bill?

John: That's a good one! We've moved it to the right side. And instead of fabric, it's made of a special metal that we can tune to a specific frequency. After we tune it we can track that bill wherever it goes.

Yuba: Again, you're going after drug dealers?

John: Hey, what a great idea! We hadn't even thought of that. We were just going to send out a signal during X-Files to tune any twenty-dollar bills in the room to a set frequency. When that bill goes through a security gate at an airport or federal building it sets off all the alarms. Can you just imagine the look on the face of the guy when the guards pull out their guns and take him off to the interrogation room?

Yuba: Why do you want to round up people who watch X-Files?

John: We don't. It's just so much fun to see them light up when they see the government-types grab them.

Yuba: Well, gee, look at the time. Gotta go catch the Hoyas. Thanks for meeting with me.

John: And thank you for the envelope full of cash. Hey wait! Shouldn't this picture on the ten be Alexander Hamilton, not George Hamilton?