THE MISERY OF POLYGAMY

'WE'RE STUCK.'

SAYS WIFE NO.1

A Personal Account of Plural Marriage
By WINA STURGEON

September 11-24, 1 998
Salt Lake Observer
Smart Local News
(c) 1998 Silver King News Corp.
VOLUME I NUMBER VII $1.00

The unhappiness of plural marriage is not a burden that Sharon Smith bears alone.

"I don't think she's any happier than I am," said Ms. Smith of her 'sister wife,' who lives 15 miles away.

"The irony is this: It was Ms. Smith's idea to add another wife.

Sharon Smith isn't her real name, of course. To be identified might Mean the loss of her job as a public school teacher. Polygamy in Utah is enduring another round of scrutiny and criticism as allegations of child abuse and incest have surfaced in recent weeks. To avoid prosecution as well as persecution, the family Ms. Smith belongs to - two wives, a husband, 11 children - keeps its Marital arrangement secret

"About 11 years after we were married, I encouraged my husband to take another wife. I grew up that way and believed in it," said the softspoken Ms. Smith, who is in her late 40's. "I thought it was the right thing do."

Raised in a home that was part of Utah's largest polygamist clans, she was the youngest of 25 siblings.

But Ms. Smith, in trying to follow her religion, lost most of her faith - as feelings of inadequacy, the pain of competing for her husband's attenion and the hardship of being essentially a single parent overwhelmed her..

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Polygamy

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"The hardest thing for me was the sexual relationship. I remember when they came home after their honeynoon, I kept so busy that I couldn't possibly think. I wouldn't allow myself to stop. just the memory hurts," she said.

'My heart and my head has gone from the belief, just going through the hardship and the jealousy. But the reason I'm still with my husband is because I love him. And he loves me," Ms. Smith said, adding that she thinks she is the preferred wife.

"I think he is as unhappy about it as I am. But it's a commitment" she said. "He's taking responsibility for our decision." And, practically speaking, she sees no other choice. She has eight children. Her sister wife has three.

"We're stuck," she said.

"People out there say, 'Oh it's all for the man,' but I think it's hell for them too. Why would they marry if it was just for sex? Why take on all that responsibility?"

It's easy to understand the present- day secrecy and clannishness of Polygamy if you view it in historical context. The early Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was so persecuted for the practice that at one point the U.S. government sent an army to Salt Lake City to crack down. But some LDS church leaders secretly continued the practice after officially banning it in order to achieve statehood for Utah. The discomfort and ambivalence among LDS Church

leaders and state officials stems partly from this painful past and partly because Mormon doctrine still holds that polygamy will be practiced in the highest level of Heaven.

That theological promise doesn't do much to ease the difficulty of being a practicing polygamist on Earth, however.

"It was pretty tough being raised as a polygamist child," said Ms. Smith. The other kids would throw rocks at us and call us names. Every friend I ever had abandoned me as soon as they found out I was a polygamist kid. Every one of them."

She was brought up to believe that the outside world was going to 'get' her. "And it was kind of proved to me, because as a kid, they always had."

Ms. Smith was about 6 years old when the last government raids on Utah's polygamist communities took place. At the time, her mother told her she might have to go live with an older sister.

"She was trying not to scare me to death, but she said she might not be able to see me for a long time. She said, 'Dad and I might be here tomorrow, but we might not, and if that's the case, remember that we love you.' She was terrified about Dad going to jail and us kids being taken away."

The raids reinforced the need for secrecy and also increased the taunts from other youngsters, Ms. Smith said.

"I begged my parents to let me stay home from school. I would cry all the way there because I was so afraid of everyone," she said.

Home schooling became the escape from playground persecution. But there was fear at home, too: Ms. Smith remembers her grandfather as an abusive man.

"He was the ultimate chauvinist pig. Some of that rubbed off on my mother, and some on us, which was to fear God. If you did exactly as God wanted, then he would look out for you, but if you didn't, you would be punished."

She married at age 17 and for a time, when her children were young, she and her sister wife lived together "because then (her husband) could be there and be with the children. I've done so many things with my children alone that I resent because he should have been there."

She sees this as the coming battleground: polygamists who have children they can't support vs. taxpayers who are repelled by the practice and don't want to pay for its results

Ms. Smith said the factor that finally made her wake up and abandon her religious convictions was the pain of repressing her troubled feelings. "We're taught those feelings of jealousy or sadness are bad, and not to be angry, to be calm, to be sweet," she said. "If you feel negative feelings, then it's your fault, there's something wrong with you. I spent my whole life stuffing my feelings down, over and over and over again." She got depressed. She gained a lot of weight "I just wanted to stay in bed all the time, because I felt like a failure. The biggest thing was the feeling of inadequacy. It didn't matter how hard I tried, I could never match up," Ms. Smith said. Such feelings were exacerbated by a sense of having to compete for a husband's attention. "It's not so much that he will leave if a woman isn't submissive, but his time is so rare if there are a lot of wives. And you always fear that if you cause trouble, he's going to love her more," Ms. Smith said. "There's always that within the women. Somemen promote it. Some women make sure to always treat him like a king, because that will keep them in favor. "This is another thing that has to do with the man. The man is the one who takes you to the Celestial Kingdom. Therefore, if the man isn't the one leading the way, then you don't have a chance. He is supposed to be the spiritual leader, but if he isn't, then you do what you have to do on your own, but there is no benefit to that No matter what you do, if there isn't a man leading, you just don't belong." Polygamists also believe part of God's plan is for them to have large families, but Ms. Smith was distressed by this even as a child.

'The hardest thing for me was the sexual relationship. I remember when they came home after their honeymoon, I kept so busy that I couldn't possibly think.'

"There are people who can't take care of the children they have, yet they keep on having more. They think that's what they are supposed to do, and God will provide." And if God provides through public assistance, so be it. Government efforts to crack down on Polygamists who abuse welfare - or who abuse their wives and children - won't stop the practice, Ms. Smith said. "It's God's law, and God's laws are higher than those of man," she said. She sees this as the coming battleground: Polygamists who have children they can't support vs. taxpayers who are repelled by the practice and don't want to subsidize it. Despite such controversy, plural marriage is a growing movement. With each new wave of attention, outsiders come to join. And their children often grow up and marry into the system. To Ms. Smith, this is nothing less than a tragedy. Not long ago shemet a Middle Eastern couple whose religion and government permit polygamy. "I asked the wife if she would ever want him to take another wife, and she said, 'I might someday.' I wanted to tell her, 'No, don't. Don't.'"

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