fortune cookies

When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.

I think that I shall never see A thing as lovely as a tree. But as you see the trees have gone. They went this morning with the dawn. A logging firm from out of town Came and chopped the trees all down. But I will trick those dirty skunks And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.

We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.

Peanut Blossoms

4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt

Shape dough into balls.  Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes.  Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie.

Makes a hell of a lot.

If you took all the students that fell asleep in class and laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.

In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

The Three Major Kind of Tools

-- Dave Barry, The Taming of the Screw

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.  It has a 100 GHz processor, 20 gigabytes of RAM, 1500 gigabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.  What's the first question that the computer community asks?

Is it PC compatible?

Do you have lysdexia?

Ford: "It's unpleasantly like being drunk." Arthur: "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" Ford: "You ask a glass of water."

To err is human, too moo bovine.

When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

Windows 95:
n.  32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Living in a vacuum sucks.

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

-- Victor Hugo

Oh, drat these computers!  They're so naughty and so complex.  I could pinch them!

-- Marvin the Martian

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.

-- Jane Wagner

Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today -- I think he's from the CIA.

Wouldn't the sentence I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.

Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.  Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry' ...

-- Gary Larson, The Far Side

There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not.

-- Monty Python, The Bells

Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.  It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

A thorough software professional is one who when his wife yells at him "go to hell", worries more about the goto.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

-- Douglas Adams

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