Top 50 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard

  1. One word: Hair.
  2. Another word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
  3. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
  4. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
  5. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
  6. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
  7. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
  8. Kirk never really got into that kinky "jumpsuit" look.
  9. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.
  10. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
  11. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
  12. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
  13. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
  14. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
  15. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
  16. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
  17. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
  18. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
  19. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
  20. Two words: Funky sideburns.
  21. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
  22. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
  23. Kirk is not politically correct.
  24. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
  25. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
  26. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
  27. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
  28. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
  29. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
  30. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
  31. Two words: Line Delivery.
  32. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
  33. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
  34. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate and charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
  35. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
  36. Kirk rarely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
  37. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
  38. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
  39. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
  40. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
  41. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
  42. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
  43. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
  44. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
  45. Kirk can infiltrate Gangster, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
  46. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
  47. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
  48. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
  49. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
  50. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.

Many thanks to my sister Lisa for passing this list on to me!

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