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Rish's Reviews
I'm not really sure why I would rent a movie called "Blood Diner." I mean, how good could it be? And look at the film's tagline: "First they greet you, then they eat you." But I did rent it, and here's my review.
The premise was fairly original: two vegetarian cafe owners, part of a dark religious cult, hack up their customers (and serve them up as health food) in order to gather body parts to create a body to house the soul of their ancient goddess. Oh, and they are led by the disembodied brain of their dead serial killer uncle.
I know what you're thinking, "Sounds like every other horror flick released last year."
They say it's pretty hard to mix Comedy and Horror, but this film fails on nearly every count. It had a very silly opening, and I worried it was almost too stupid to endure. But endure it I did. For you, folks.
You know, this may come as no surprise, but Blood Diner was a really bad movie. It was very, very stupid. But that's not everything, a lot of Horror is stupid. On the bright side, it had lots and lots of nudity. And featured a cheesy synthesizer score. It had Pro Wrestling in it too. And one really ridiculous '80s New Wave band.
In my notes, I had "This is effed up!" written down. I'm not sure what moment that referred to, but it may be the subplot of a competing veggie restaurant run by a ventriloquist and his dummy.
There was lots of vomiting in one scene. I'll let you make up your mind on whether that's a plus or minus.
The word "schlong" is used three times. Again, you decide.
It was weirdly dubbed. Fully half of the characters had their dialogue dubbed (or ADR-ed) over . . . and badly.
It also had more nudity than 99% of the films on this site. In fact, it may have the most nudity of all the films on the site. Can that be?
The victims of the picture are all vegetarians. I find that kind of endearing, actually.* I found a lot that was endearing in Blood Diner.
The name of their god is "Shitar" (or maybe "Sheetar"). I have no comment about that, just making note of that fact.
There was "one really good part," according to my notes, but I failed to detail what it was.
It did have a completely naked woman running, screaming from a man with a meat cleaver. You don't see that every day, kids.
Well, maybe you do, but your lifestyle is a little more colourful than mine is.
This film was appallingly bad, but you know, it was still entertaining. And the longer I watched it, the more I started to think that there was a good script there. It was cheap, low-budget trash. Still, there were many, many credits at the end. Not a bad feat to get this many people to work on a movie like this.
By the end of the picture, I felt I had gotten my money's work and had laughed at it all. If I saw this in a theatre with tyranist (or you, Constant Reader), I would consider it a defining moment in my life.
Okay, maybe not.
I'd Recommend It To: When people talk about movies that are so bad they're good, this is the kind of thing they're talking about. If you can find it, and you can find someone to watch it with you, I heartily recommend it.
*And that probably says a lot about me, don't it, folks?
Posted: July 20, 2006

Total Skulls: 24

Sequel
Sequel setup
Rips off earlier film
Horror film showing on TV/in theater in movie
Future celebrity appears
Former celebrity appears
Bad title
Bad premise
Bad acting
Bad dialogue
Bad execution
MTV Editing
OTS
Girl unnecessarily gets naked
Wanton sex
Death associated with sex
Unfulfilled promise of nudity
Characters forget about threat
Secluded location
Power is cut
Phone lines are cut
Someone investigates a strange noise
Someone runs up stairs instead of going out front door
Camera is the killer
Victims cower in front of a window/door
Victim locks self in with killer
Victim running from killer inexplicably falls
Toilet stall scene
Shower/bath scene
Car stalls or won't start
Cat jumps out
Fake scare
Laughable scare
Stupid discovery of corpse
Dream sequence
Hallucination/Vision
No one believes only witness
Crazy, drunk, old man knows the truth
Warning goes unheeded
Music detracts from scene
Death in first five minutes
x years before/later
Flashback sequence
Dark and stormy night
Killer doesn't stay dead
Killer wears a mask
Killer is in closet
Killer is in car with victim
Villain is more sympathetic than heroes
Unscary villain/monster
Beheading
Blood fountain
Blood spatters - camera, wall, etc.
Poor death effect
Excessive gore
No one dies at all
Virgin survives
Geek/Nerd survives
Little kid lamely survives
Dog/Pet miraculously survives
Unresolved subplots
"It was all a dream" ending
Unbelievably happy ending
Unbelievably crappy ending
What the hell?