Don't Go Near the Park
Year: 1979
Director: Lawrence D. Foldes
Written by: Linwood Chase, Lawrence D. Foldes
Threat: Cannibal Sorcerers
Weapon of Choice: Medallion
IMDb page: 
Don't Go Near the ParkYear: 1979 Director: Lawrence D. Foldes Written by: Linwood Chase, Lawrence D. Foldes Threat: Cannibal Sorcerers Weapon of Choice: Medallion IMDb page: |
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Rish's Reviews
I recently went to what will probably be my last sleazy Horror double-feature at the
local revival house. This time, it was two "Park" flicks, House
on the Edge of the Park and this one, Don't Go Near the Park. I
guess all the prints of Dog Park Bloodbath were being used elsewhere.
I like movies with titles beginning with "Don't." I once thought it would be fun to rent a
bunch of them in a row. Never happened, though. Probably never will.
So, let's see if I can summarize this. An ancient . . . witch and wizard, I guess . . . both
under a curse, roam around Los Angeles's Griffith Park, grabbing children or teenagers
and eating their stomachs, since it temporarily returns them to their youth. In order to
fufill a prophesy, the male one impregnates a woman so that the spawn can be sacrificed
on a certain day and time, and break the curse. Oh, and a couple of young, good-natured
runaways live with the witch for some reason. Oh yeah, and a dog.
The director was at the show, and embarrassedly spoke before the film. He set us up
for a real stinker, but it was sort of fun. A TERRIBLE movie, but sort of fun.
Don't Go Near the Park was much too ambitious for its own good, trying to tell
a story that spanned not only decades, but centuries on a barely shoestring budget.
Transformations, magical powers, disembowelments, someone rolling down an
embankment, all of these were better suited to a more mainstream release. The flick
was also quite badly edited. It had fairly good performances, though, especially by
the young actors. Made in '79, but not released until '81, this was Scream Queen Linnea
Quigley's first film. It had bunches of nudity, with practically every female character
showing her boobs.
It was very Seventies, very very cheap (though it apparently still had a hundred thousand
dollar budget, very little of which is visible on the screen), but god, the director seemed
like a nice guy. And he's still in the film business. But I have to wonder where in the
world one gets financing for something like this.
It also included the worst inexplicable fall EVER. Or was it maybe . . . the best?
The actress (Tamara Taylor) who played the daughter was also in the theatre and looked
astonishingly good (though she apparently looks so much younger than her real age that
director Foldes got in a lot of trouble for her flash of bosoms). She seemed to remember
the film fondly, though it's hard to believe anyone would. She and the director recalled
working with the constantly-drunk Aldo Ray, the child actor Meeno Peluce (brother of
Soleil Moon Frye), and how costar Barbara Bain chose not to use her real name when
the film was finally released.
Don't Go Near the Park was not a good movie. But it was still better than
Wing Commander. And you know, I can't wholly condemn any film that features
a cute sixteen year old girl felt up by Punky Brewster's eight year old brother.
Best Scare: The villains shoot white laser beams out of their eyes at one another. That
was pretty scary, though not in the way we usually use the word.
I'd Recommend It To: Look, unless you're in a theatre with a bunch of happy Horror fans
AND the film's director, you've no reason to see Don't Go Near the Park. Sorry,
Lawrence.
Posted: August 1, 2006
Total Skulls: 29
| Sequel | ||
| Sequel setup |  |
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| Rips off earlier film | ||
| Horror film showing on TV/in theater in movie | ||
| Future celebrity appears | ||
| Former celebrity appears | |
Aldo Ray |
| Bad title | ||
| Bad premise | |
|
| Bad acting | ||
| Bad dialogue | |
|
| Bad execution | |
|
| MTV Editing | ||
| OTS | |
|
| Girl unnecessarily gets naked | ||
| Wanton sex | ||
| Death associated with sex | |
|
| Unfulfilled promise of nudity | |
|
| Characters forget about threat | ||
| Secluded location | |
|
| Power is cut | ||
| Phone lines are cut | ||
| Someone investigates a strange noise | |
|
| Someone runs up stairs instead of going out front door | ||
| Camera is the killer | ||
| Victims cower in front of a window/door | ||
| Victim locks self in with killer | ||
| Victim running from killer inexplicably falls | |
|
| Toilet stall scene | ||
| Shower/bath scene | |
|
| Car stalls or won't start | ||
| Cat jumps out | ||
| Fake scare | ||
| Laughable scare | ||
| Stupid discovery of corpse | ||
| Dream sequence | |
|
| Hallucination/Vision | ||
| No one believes only witness | ||
| Crazy, drunk, old man knows the truth | ||
| Warning goes unheeded | ||
| Music detracts from scene | ||
| Death in first five minutes | |
|
| x years before/later | |
|
| Flashback sequence | |
|
| Dark and stormy night | ||
| Killer doesn't stay dead | ||
| Killer wears a mask | |
|
| Killer is in closet | ||
| Killer is in car with victim | ||
| Villain is more sympathetic than heroes | ||
| Unscary villain/monster | |
|
| Beheading | ||
| Blood fountain | ||
| Blood spatters - camera, wall, etc. | ||
| Poor death effect | |
|
| Excessive gore | ||
| No one dies at all | ||
| Virgin survives | |
|
| Geek/Nerd survives | ||
| Little kid lamely survives | |
|
| Dog/Pet miraculously survives | ||
| Unresolved subplots | |
|
| "It was all a dream" ending | ||
| Unbelievably happy ending | |
|
| Unbelievably crappy ending | |
|
| What the hell? | |