Rish Outfield's reviews
When I watch movies from the '70s, I often get depressed. Possibly it's because of the browns that seem to cover everything, or the unmistakable, godawful music that permeates nearly everything from that era. Luckily (even though the colours were terrible), this was an exception--a cool, fun movie to share with someone you love.
In 1906, on an express train from Asia to Europe, a British anthropologist brings a frozen monster that unfreezes itself and goes on a darling killing spree. Another Brit on board helps him unravel the mystery, that only gets more mysterious as the facts are revealed. Geez, I love writing these things!
Peter Cushing is very likable, from the moment we see him. Christopher Lee, who gets top billing plays the stuffy, stodgy Saxon, who "dabbles in fossils and bones." The Countess (aka Hot Chick) changes her clothes three times on the train. And boy, is she hot! For those of you listening on the radio, she looks like Famke Janssen with red hair. There is a mad, raving priest ("The Eye of Satan!") who quotes tons of messed up priestly dialogue, such as "You think Evil can be killed with bullets? Satan lives. The unholy one is among us!" Everyone else is Mexican . . . or worse (Telly Savalas--what the fuh?). There was showoffy overacting and lameity (can I make up more words in this sentence?) by Savalas, but some hot, accented ladies, and a great-looking creature. It's a two million year old fossil of a half man-half ape ("It lives! It's an unholy thing!"). But it is later revealed to be an alien symbiote that exists sucking brains dry (it leaves its victims' brains as "smooth as a baby's bottom"). It's sort of like E.T. in a way. But what it does to their eyes . . .
The gore, though not prevalent, was pretty graphic when it did show up, and the makeup is extremely well done. There's a cool shot of sawing open a guy's skull and a cool glowing monster eye effect, when it works. Beware the whistling skeleton's mournful song. That's not a line from the movie, just something I felt bore mentioning. It kills with its red eye--and turns your eyes white. If the creature gets smarter with each person it kills, we're all scragged.
Again, if I haven't mentioned it--three things can be gleaned from Horror Express: First, Cushing and Lee are cool. Second, there is a hot chick in the movie. And lastly, the creature sucks people's brains through their eyes!!
Line To Remember: "There's the stink of Hell on this train, even the dog knows it!"
Best Scare: The creature jumps out from time to time.
I'd Recommend It To: Yes. Just yes.
Note: Is this a Bad Titled film or not? I suppose it's apt, and no different than Terror Train, which I probably wouldn't give a bad title too. Okay, that settles it.

The tyranist's thoughts
One of Rish's friends once said that watching The Mothman Prophecies was like watching the best episode of "The X-Files" ever. Little did I suspect that when I sat down to watch Horror Express I would have the pleasure of discovering a lost episode of "Doctor Who." I understand that making that statement probably put half of you off immediately, but I love "Doctor Who" the way a rock star loves his 14 year old cousin.
The movie was made during the tenure of the third Doctor (John Pertwee for those of you who don't know) while the show was still rising towards its peak popularity. I did a little checking and didn't find that any of the gentleman involved in the production of this had ever worked on that storied franchise, but I have the distinct feeling that this was something inspired directly by that series.
The special effects are dead on for "Doctor Who" and the script smacks of many of the conventions used in writing the Doctor. Perhaps in a better world, and before it was rewritten from Mr. Martin's original treatment, this was penned as another entry in a series known for its sci-fi, but steeped in horror nonetheless.
I really liked Lee and Cushing in this. It was nice to see them work together rather than against each other. I found the Telly Savalas bit completely inexplicable and out of nowhere, but without it, the movie's awfully short. There were some pretty girls to fill in the cracks as well, but that seems normal for a horror flick, doesn't it?
If you love "Doctor Who" the way I do, you should absolutely see this movie. If you have no idea what I'm talking about it, maybe you should start watching "Doctor Who" if you like this movie.