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The tyranist's thoughts
This film is chock full of suck. Somewhere between when they wrote the screenplay and when the whole thing got committed to film, any notion of making a good, scary movie disappeared and they just went for making a very shiny, very distracted movie that never quite figures out what it really wants to be.
A family is relocating to the country after coming close to ruin thanks to their teenage daughter. But I've sort of given something away there. You don't find out why they have moved to the country until almost 3/4ths of the way through the movie. Anyway, from the second they walk into that new house, which is oh so isolated, weird stuff starts happening. They fail to get out, and, well, they also don't get what they deserve.
I only sort of wanted to like this movie. Rish was really excited about it and kept saying we had to see it in the theatre. We did finally, but not until it had reached the cheap theatres, and I'm awfully glad I didn't pay full price to watch it. The basic premise isn't really flawed, I think, but they lose track of the basic premise really fast in favor of cheap scares and really stupid stuff. Rish and I debated for a full 5 minutes whether it deserved a Bad Premise Skull or a Bad Execution Skull. The truth was somewhere in between, but we had to give one or the other.
The acting isn't bad and the dialogue is passable, but only just. The effects were decent, but they hardly made the movie. The real problems for this lie in the plot. The ghosts, which we are eventually supposed to realise are only trying to be helpful and warn the good people to get out are super, super aggressive and do more to scare the hell out of everyone and even do them physical harm than to try to get their attention long enough to warn them about anything. For the first 2/3rds of the movie, the ghosts are the threat and they are going to get the humans if it is the last thing they manage. Then, quite suddenly, at the end of the movie, they add a new threat. Well, to be fair, they set the new threat up very early and it was pretty obvious what they were building to, but now, at the end, we are supposed to just hate the new psychopath walking around and think the ghosts are friendly. Bull shit. It just doesn't work. Everyone in this movie is out to kill the family and there isn't a single second that anyone is trying to help them out.
In addition to the completely dysfunctional plot, we get a massively dysfunctional family. Two utterly unlikeable parents, who appear to rail on our teenage protagonist for no apparent reason and wouldn't believe her if she told them that the sun goes down at night, our teenage protagonist, who doesn't do much to endear herself to us and who spends most of the movie trying to get closer to the things that are trying to kill her, and a 3-4 year old boy who won't speak. Why won't he speak? Good question. Why do the parents treat their daughter like a felon? Another good question. Why the hell did they all move out there in the first place? Another one. And why can't they leave? Excellent question. And the screenwriters had the answer to these questions all along. We only get the answers at the very end of the movie when we have completely stopped caring about whether or not the characters live or die. Were they trying to build mystery by hiding that information? I sure as hell hope not, because all they really did was create characters we couldn't trust and couldn't identify with because we had no clue what motivated them in the first place.
The movie could have been good, but it wasn't. Instead it was just a massive retread of a lot of horror tropes that we've all seen and all know by heart. They weren't even smart enough about it to find a way to make us care about the characters to that we might be a little concerned that these things were happening. In the end, all they wanted to do was set up a few decent startle scares and story be damned.
Posted: March 29, 2007

Rish's Reviews
I agree with pretty much everything tyranist just said. Only louder.
Oh, I really wanted to see this film. Don't judge me yet, I'm young and naive.
The previews looked scary (if overly familiar): a creepy old farmhouse, grey-skinned, twisted, and choppy-moving ghosts are lurking about. And the part I like the best: when the mother asked the child, "You see them? What do they look like?" and the child pulls its eyes down in imitation of the ghosts. Brrrrr.
But wow, the film was just not good.
Of the literally hundreds of movies I've seen with tyranist over the last decade, this has to be the one I've talked the most through. There was just so much wrong with it, that I, I just couldn't stop commenting on it, and asking him why they went that way. I could understand the screenwriter's motivations on one or two points, but wow, the film was just a freeway accident.
I think Ghost House Films is about as good a thing as summer breezes, breasts, carnival rides, and cherry jawbreakers. I love The Grudge, and liked Boogeyman more than the president of the Barry Watson fan club. But somebody sure stumbled here.
I guess Sam Raimi was too busy trying to squeeze even more villains into Spidey 3 to give notes on The Messengers' screenplay. Twice I said a line before the characters did, and tyranist leaned over and gave me the ending of the movie a mere twenty minutes into the film. Predictablity like this is not good, folks.
The opening was dishonest, and I'm starting to think the whole film is.
Characters, especially our young heroine, did things solely because the script said she did them. Logic had nothing to do with it. Characters--what few there were--came and went with no explanation, and I still can't get over the little brother character. The only thing even remotely original in the film was that the baby could see the spirits and was not only not scared by them, but seemed delighted by their presence.
But these ghosts were among the most horrible things ever committed to celluloid. Rotting, writhing, reaching, they were probably the scariest ghosts I've seen not hailing from Japan. I can imagine motivations for most characters, dead or otherwise. But these fuggin things were absolutely evil, tormenting our poor Jess even when she offers to help them.
These were bad ghosts, boys and girls.
So when they are turned into crows at some point in the film and the characters sigh and say, "Aww, those poor friendly Caspers are finally at peace," I just about flew out of my seat. I can feel my blood pressure increase just thinking about it. They just want help, it's not their fault they're spooky-looking. Nononononono. You don't get to attack like that, again and again, and then shrug and claim otherworldly innocence.* It's like that deleted scene in Alien where Tom Skerritt pats the creature's head and explains that the lil ole chestburster "deserves our love and understanding because it came from our fellow crewmate's heart."
Eff you, ghosts. Eff you.
Also, our young teen is able to bounce back from experiences that would've left John McCain drooling and filling his (plastic) pants. As I ranted to tyranist last night, what happened to that girl on just one night would have left any man, woman, or child on the earth in a mental institution for the rest of their lives, and yet the first chance she gets, she goes exploring in the spooky barn, or follows some twisted undead shape out into the sunflower field, or goes poking around in that selfsame basement where a million purgatorial limps molested her just the night before.
We get the impression that the family has been at this new house for a week at the most, having never gone into town, installed a phone, TV, or bathroom, or had a single conversation, and yet crops are planted, sprout up to three feet tall, and are almost ready for the harvest (and this wasn't even one of the major problems of the story).
Oh, and the title. Messengers? Really? You sure? Where? What?
Afterwards, we went to tyranist's car to do Skulls (having to work the next morning, we had driven to the cinema separately). I've no shame in admitting I was furious, spitting and frothing in tyranist's car after this movie. He just wanted to go home, but I needed to rant a little bit, and he was kind enough to let me. "She tries to help the ghosts, and they beat the snot out of her. Stupid, hateful ghosts!" Holy cow, this film needs to be bitchslapped.
Sigh.
Let's see if I can find something nice to say in all this. The visuals were all very professional, with a great setting, and excellent makeup and designs. The acting wasn't even that bad, which is saying something when Penelope Ann Miller is involved. I'm actually a little torn, lambasting it like this, because the movie was quite scary. Probably the scariest movie I've ever hated.
Last night, when we talked about this, Tyranist was going to make sure to comment on two things: One, that this is our first double Threat ever (I think), and two, that there's a parallel to The Crow somewhere here. I look forward to his review, actually.
I'd Recommend It To: Dumb teenage girls on sleepovers. No, I take it back. Preteens.
*It would be like E.T. gouging out Michael's eyes with those glowing long fingers of his, tearing out little Gertie's throat, and THEN asking Elliot to help him phone home.
Posted: March 29, 2007

Total Skulls: 32

Sequel
Sequel setup
Rips off earlier film
Horror film showing on TV/in theater in movie
Future celebrity appears
Former celebrity appears
Bad title
Bad premise
Bad acting
Bad dialogue
Bad execution
MTV Editing
OTS
Girl unnecessarily gets naked
Wanton sex
Death associated with sex
Unfulfilled promise of nudity
Characters forget about threat
Secluded location
Power is cut
Phone lines are cut
Someone investigates a strange noise
Someone runs up stairs instead of going out front door
Camera is the killer
Victims cower in front of a window/door
Victim locks self in with killer
Victim running from killer inexplicably falls
Toilet stall scene
Shower/bath scene
Car stalls or won't start
Cat jumps out
Fake scare
Laughable scare
Stupid discovery of corpse
Dream sequence
Hallucination/Vision
No one believes only witness
Crazy, drunk, old man knows the truth
Warning goes unheeded
Music detracts from scene
Death in first five minutes
x years before/later
Flashback sequence
Dark and stormy night
Killer doesn't stay dead
Killer wears a mask
Killer is in closet
Killer is in car with victim
Villain is more sympathetic than heroes
Unscary villain/monster
Beheading
Blood fountain
Blood spatters - camera, wall, etc.
Poor death effect
Excessive gore
No one dies at all
Virgin survives
Geek/Nerd survives
Little kid lamely survives
Dog/Pet miraculously survives
Unresolved subplots
"It was all a dream" ending
Unbelievably happy ending
Unbelievably crappy ending
What the hell?