Red Water Year: 2003 Director: Charles Robert Carner Written by: J.D. Feigelson, Chris Mack Threat: Shark Weapon of Choice: Drill IMDb page:

Other movies in this series:
None

Rish's Reviews
When we first began the site, tyranist and I sort of made it an unwritten rule that we'd never review Made-For-TV movies. Mostly because they tend to be cheap, lame and have to pull their punches a lot harder than regular films do. But we've become much more liberal in our old age, hence you get reviews like this one, a flick made for the cable channel TNT.
This is the world's first Louisiana Shark Movie. Down on the Bayou, some oil drillers (including Lou Diamond Phillips) get caught between a group of thieves looking for sunken loot and a killer fresh-water shark, both conveniently interested in the same stretch of river.
Does Lou Diamond Phillips count as a Former Celebrity now? Well, if you're starring in made-for-cable turds like this, you're pretty darn close. Phillips is one of those actors that still works, but rarely works in something good. Kristy Swanson was beautiful in Deadly Friend, and she's beautiful in this. Other than that, there's not a lot to recommend it. There's one likeable character in the film, and he's one of the bad guys.
Red Water featured really eye-rollingly bad dialogue and insultingly hokey Cajun mysticism. People bled massive amounts under water. I don't suppose cutting someone's jugular would make as much red water as these poor characters do with a scraped thumb or bump on the head.
Coolio stars as a really obnoxious villain who talks trash to the shark. What have I said about rappers in horror movies?
Actually, Coolio isn't too bad in this o . . . alright, I can't lie to you, he sucks.
This was such a bad movie, kids. But the shark did look fairly real by Jaws standards. There weren't a great deal of brains going on here, but parts of it manage to be entertaining nevertheless.
Still, there's not a lot of flicks on this site I saw with my mom. So there's that.
Best Scare: Sharks are cool.
Posted: November 9, 2004

Total Skulls: 11

Sequel
Sequel setup
Rips off earlier film
Horror film showing on TV/in theater in movie
Future celebrity appears
Former celebrity appears		Lou Diamond Phillips
Bad title
Bad premise
Bad acting
Bad dialogue
Bad execution
MTV Editing
OTS
Girl unnecessarily gets naked
Wanton sex
Death associated with sex
Unfulfilled promise of nudity
Characters forget about threat
Secluded location
Power is cut
Phone lines are cut
Someone investigates a strange noise
Someone runs up stairs instead of going out front door
Camera is the killer
Victims cower in front of a window/door
Victim locks self in with killer
Victim running from killer inexplicably falls
Toilet stall scene
Shower/bath scene
Car stalls or won't start
Cat jumps out
Fake scare
Laughable scare
Stupid discovery of corpse
Dream sequence
Hallucination/Vision
No one believes only witness
Crazy, drunk, old man knows the truth
Warning goes unheeded
Music detracts from scene
Death in first five minutes
x years before/later
Flashback sequence
Dark and stormy night
Killer doesn't stay dead
Killer wears a mask
Killer is in closet
Killer is in car with victim
Villain is more sympathetic than heroes
Unscary villain/monster
Beheading
Blood fountain
Blood spatters - camera, wall, etc.
Poor death effect
Excessive gore
No one dies at all
Virgin survives
Geek/Nerd survives
Little kid lamely survives
Dog/Pet miraculously survives
Unresolved subplots
"It was all a dream" ending
Unbelievably happy ending
Unbelievably crappy ending
What the hell?