The Return Year: 2006 Director: Asif Kapadia Written by: Adam Sussman Threat: Psychopath Weapon of Choice: Knife Based upon: none Color/B&W/3D: Colour Language: English Country of Origin: U.S.of A. IMDb page:

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Rish's Reviews
Today tyranist berated me for seeing this film (without him) and not reviewing it. Since he kindly took me out to lunch, I thought I'd humour him and go ahead and briefly review the sucker right now.
Sarah Michelle Gellar plays a troubled young woman who gets flashes or visions of a traumatic past she may or may not have experienced. Events conspire to get her to La Salle, Texas, where everything looks familiar to her, and when she looks in the mirror, she starts seeing someone decidedly unfamiliar.
And stuff.
Did anyone see the poster for this? It featured a close up of a glassy, grey eye, with the subtle, yet disturbing image of a hand pressed against the inside of it, as if it someone were trapped in there, trying desperately to get out. As great as that poster was (and you know where I'm going with this), I couldn't help but equate it with the experience of someone watching this film.
The Return is all build-up, all the big incline at the start of a roller coaster, from the beginning to the end. I suppose this is just one of those movies you simply accept or don't accept. Everything all hinges on the final moments of the film. But it's a hell of a lot riding on some very bald tires, folks.
And the story sort of makes sense in the end, yes . . . only not really. There was an alternate ending that made a liiiiittle more sense (in a Curse of M. Night Shyamalan sort of way), but not enough.
This is the kind of thing that makes me want to go back and give a more positive review to The Grudge 2. I'm not a huge Sarah Michelle Gellar fan, but I've got to feel sorry for her after watching this. Me, I only wasted ninety minutes of my life. SMG wasted weeks or months on it.
In collecting my thoughts on this movie, I realised that I had typed for quite a bit without really saying anything. The film, while atmospheric and mildly interesting (the mystery part, at least), has very little to recommend it because it's so damn ordinary. I mean, what sets The Return apart from the many, many, many other horror movies that came out in 2006?
Could it be its unique and instantly-indentifiable title?
Poor SMG went from working with the great Joss Whedon, Kevin Williamson, Raja Gosnell, and Joe Dante, to this.
Funny thing is, I wanted to see this one in the theatre when it came out. While every movie is better when seen in the cinema, I can't imagine the locale saving The Return. Oh, it's not crap. And it's not badly made or acted. But it's just an empty, nonsensical, unsatisfying failure of a horror film. I imagine this is how tyranist felt when we were done watching The Garden, a film I frankly didn't have a problem with, but he picked as worst film of 2006.
The Return isn't the worst film of 2006, but I can't recommend it. And certainly not to someone kind enough to read my review. Someone like you.
Best Scare: Though given away in the trailer, there were a couple of nice scares of phantom images and characters popping up (including, if I'm not mistaken, one that was in the trailer but not in the film).
Posted: March 29, 2007

Total Skulls: 18

Sequel
Sequel setup
Rips off earlier film
Horror film showing on TV/in theater in movie
Future celebrity appears
Former celebrity appears
Bad title
Bad premise
Bad acting
Bad dialogue
Bad execution
MTV Editing
OTS
Girl unnecessarily gets naked
Wanton sex
Death associated with sex
Unfulfilled promise of nudity
Characters forget about threat
Secluded location
Power is cut
Phone lines are cut
Someone investigates a strange noise
Someone runs up stairs instead of going out front door
Camera is the killer
Victims cower in front of a window/door
Victim locks self in with killer
Victim running from killer inexplicably falls
Toilet stall scene
Shower/bath scene
Car stalls or won't start
Cat jumps out
Fake scare
Laughable scare
Stupid discovery of corpse
Dream sequence
Hallucination/Vision
No one believes only witness
Crazy, drunk, old man knows the truth
Warning goes unheeded
Music detracts from scene
Death in first five minutes
x years before/later
Flashback sequence
Dark and stormy night
Killer doesn't stay dead
Killer wears a mask
Killer is in closet
Killer is in car with victim
Villain is more sympathetic than heroes
Unscary villain/monster
Beheading
Blood fountain
Blood spatters - camera, wall, etc.
Poor death effect
Excessive gore
No one dies at all
Virgin survives
Geek/Nerd survives
Little kid lamely survives
Dog/Pet miraculously survives
Unresolved subplots
"It was all a dream" ending
Unbelievably happy ending
Unbelievably crappy ending
What the hell?