MARRIAGE AND THE GREAT PLAN
                                              OF HAPPINESS 
                                                                                                                         Joe J. Christensen
     

    [Here are eight practical suggestions for strengthening our marriages, now and in the future.]

             Barbara and I have been blessed with six children. Some years ago, when we had taken
    all of them to visit with their grandparents, my father said, "Joe, I think you and Barbara have
    started something you can't stop."

             At this Easter season, we declare to all the world that Jesus is the Christ and that through
    his holy priesthood and its sealing power, marriages and families ideally need never stop--need never come to an end.

             Today, I would like to speak to all of you about our marriages.  Here are eight practical suggestions that, hopefully, may be of value in strengthening our marriages, now and in the
    future.

             1. Remember the central importance of your marriage. Listen to these words from Elder
    Bruce R. McConkie on the importance of marriage in our Father in Heaven's "great plan of happiness" (Alma 42:8):

                         "From the moment of birth into mortality to the time we are
                         married in the temple, everything we have in the whole gospel
                         system is to prepare and qualify us to enter that holy order of
                         matrimony which makes us husband and wife in this life and in the
                         world to come ....
                         "There is nothing in this world as important as the creation
                         and perfection of family units" ("Salvation Is a Family Affair,"
                         Improvement Era, June 1970, pp. 43-44).

             2. Pray for the success of your marriage. Years ago, when it was common for a General Authority to tour a mission and interview all the missionaries, Elder Spencer W. Kimball, then a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, was visiting with an eider who was just
    about to finish his mission.

             "When you get released, Elder, what are your plans?"
            "Oh, I plan to go back to college," and then with a smile added, "then I hope to fall in love
    and get married."
             Elder Kimball shared this wise counsel:  "Well, don't just pray to marry the one you love. Instead, pray to love the one you marry."

            We should pray to become more kind, courteous, humble, patient, forgiving, and especially, less selfish.

            In order to recognize our personal problems or weaknesses which hinder us from being
    better marriage partners, we should come to the Lord in prayer and reap the benefits of this powerful Book of Mormon promise: "If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness
    .... For if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak
    things become strong unto them"  (Ether 12:27).

            And so the need to pray. Many church leaders and marriage counselors indicate that they
    have not seen one marriage in serious trouble where the couple was still praying together
    daily.

            When problems arise and marriages are threatened, praying together as a couple may be
    the most important remedy.

             3. Listen.  Make the time to listen to your spouse; even schedule it regularly. Visit with
    each other and assess how you are doing as a marriage partner.

             Brother Brent Barlow posed a question to a group of priesthood brethren: "How many of
    you would like to receive a revelation?"

            Every hand went up. He then suggested that they all go home and ask their wives how
    they could be better husbands. He added,  "I followed my own advice, and had a very
    informative discussion with [my wife] Susan for more than an hour that afternoon!"
    (ENSIGN, Sept. 1992, p. 17.)

            A conversation like that could be a revelation for any of us.

             Have any of you brethren ever had your wife say something like I heard recently:
    "Joe, are you listening?" She wasn't the only one who wondered if I was listening. Some
    time ago, I was taking a nap and our little granddaughter Allison came and lifted up one
    of my eyelids and said, "Grandpa, are you in there?" We should be "in there" and responsive
    to our mate.

             4. Avoid "ceaseless pinpricking." Don't be too critical of each other's faults. Recognize
    that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders
    have urged us to become.

             "Ceaseless pinpricking" (as President Kimball called it) can deflate almost any marriage ("Marriage and Divorce," Brigham Young University 1976 Speeches of the Year, Provo, Utah: University Publications, 1977, p. 148).

            Generally, each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don't need frequent reminders.   Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive.

             At times it is better to leave some things unsaid. As a newlywed, Sister Lola Walters
    read in a magazine that in order to strengthen a marriage a couple should have regular,
    candid sharing sessions in which they would list any mannerisms they found to be annoying.

    She wrote:

             "We were to name five things we found annoying, and I started off.    I told him that I
    didn't like the way he ate grapefruit.  He peeled it and ate it like an orange! Nobody else I
    knew ate grapefruit like that.   Could a girl be expected to spend a lifetime, and even eternity, watching her husband eat grapefruit like an orange?...

             "After I finished [with my five], it was his turn to tell the things he disliked about me ....
    [He] said, 'Well, to tell the truth, I can't think of any-thing I don't like about you, Honey.'
    "Gasp.

             "I quickly turned my back, because I didn't know how toexplain the tears that had filled
    my eyes and were running down my face.,

             Sister Waiters concluded: "Whenever I hear of married couples being incompatible, I
    always wonder if they are suffering from what I now call the Grapefruit Syndrome"
    (ENSIGN, Apr. 1993, p. 13).

             Yes, at times, it is better to leave some things unsaid.

            5. Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together--just the two of you.
    As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time
    alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage
    is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and
    scheduling.

             It doesn't need to be costly. The time together is the mostimportant element.

             Once when my father-in-law was leaving the house after lunchto return to the field
    to work, my mother-in-law said,  "Albert, you get right back in here and tell me you love
    me."   He grinned andjokingly said, "Elsie, when we were married, I told you I lovedyou,
    and if that ever changes, I'll let you know." It's hard to overuse the expression, "I love you."
    Use it daily.

             6. Be quick to say, "I'm sorry." As hard as it is to form thewords, be swift to say,
    "I apologize, and please forgive me," even though you are not the one who is totally at
    fault.   True love is developed by those who are willing to readily admit personal mistakes
    and offenses.

             When differences do arise, being able to discuss and resolvethem is important, but
    there are instances when it is best to take a time-out. Biting your tongue and counting to
    ten or even ahundred is important. And occasionally, even letting the sun go down on your
    wrath can help bring you back to the problem in the morning more rested, calm, and with a
    better chance for resolution.

             Occasionally, we hear something like,  "Why, we have beenmarried for fifty years,
    and we have never had a difference of opinion." If that is literally the case, then one of
    the partnersis overly dominated by the other or, as someone said, is a stranger to the
    truth.   Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure
    that we know how to resolvethem. That is part of the process of making a good marriage
    better.

             7. Learn to live within your means. Some of the most difficultchallenges in marriage
    arise in the area of finances. "The American Bar Association... indicated that 89 percent of
    all divorces couldbe traced to quarrels and accusations over money" (ENSIGN, July 1975,
    p. 72).  Be willing to postpone or forgo some purchases in order to stay within your budget.
    Pay your tithing first and avoiddebt insofar as possible. Remember that spending fifty
    dollars a month less than you receive equals happiness and spending fiftymore equals
    misery.  The time may have come to get out the scissors, your credit cards, and perform
    what Elder Holland called some"plastic surgery" (ENSIGN, June 1986, p. 30).

             8. Be a true partner in home and family responsibilities.Don't be like the husband who
    sits around home expecting to be waited on, feeling that earning the living is his chore and
    that his wife alone is responsible for the house and taking care of thechildren. The task of
    caring for home and family is more than one person's responsibility. Remember that you are
    in this partnership together. Barbara and I have discovered that we can make our bed every morning in less than a minute and it's done forthe day. She says that she lets me do it to
    help me feel good aboutmyself all day, and I guess there may be some- thing to that.

             Find time to study the scriptures together, and follow thissound counsel from President Kimball: "When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together intheir home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep
    their lives wholly chaste, mentally and physically...and both are working together for the
    upbuilding of thekingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle"   (Marriage and
    Divorce, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1976, p. 24).

             In summary:

            Remember the central importance of your marriage.
            A Pray for its success.
            Listen.
            Avoid "ceaseless pinpricking."
            Keep your courtship alive.
            Be quick to say, "I'm sorry."
            Learn to live within your means.
            Be a true partner in home and family responsibilities.

             I testify that Jesus is the Christ. The tomb was empty on thatthird day, and "as in
    Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive" (1 Cor. 15:22).  Thus with gratitude
    for the sealingpower within the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, we can confidently say with
    the poet,  "I shall but love thee better after death" (Elizabeth Barrett Browning, "How Do I
    Love Thee?").

            In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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