The Parable of the Ten Hikers

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten hikers, who found rides and went forth to climb Mount Timpanogos. Five of them were wise, and five were foolish. At midnight there was a cry made, Let us go climb the mountain! And the five foolish hikers drove to the trailhead and began hiking.

But one of them did not take a light with enough batteries, and in the darkness he fell off a cliff, and the jagged rocks rent the rainment from his body. And lo, because he had no first aid kit he could not bind his wounds, and he became weak, even nigh unto death. Then, when the sun came up it burned him, because he had no sun protection, and he said unto himself, Behold, here are the waters of Emerald Lake, and he took refuge in the waters. But a seagull, which had recently flown to Utah from the ocean, saw his reddened form and thought he was a lobster, and dove upon him and pecked him until the foolish hiker hid under the frigid water too long, and drowned.

And one did not take warm clothing, just shorts and a t-shirt, and the clouds came, and wind and rain broke upon her because it turns out that the weather forecast isn’t always right, and she became hypothermic, and in her delirium she thought a mountain goat was a featherbed, and she lay down upon the mountain goat, and was bucked off headfirst into thorny bushes, and needed a face transplant. But that depended on getting down the mountain to the hospital. Because she wore only sandals she received many blisters, and as she hopped about in agony in her thin footwear the bones of her feet fractured when her feet landed on stony ground, and because of the resulting infection the foolish hiker’s legs had to be amputated at the hip whilst she was still on the mountain, and she was then rolled off the mountain like a log.

And one ate a candy bar, and dropped the wrapper along the trail, and also pooped along the trail and left dirty tissue behind after wiping, and then cut across switchbacks instead of staying on the trail. The anger of many others was kindled against him, and they affixed a trekking pole to the top of the foolish hiker’s head so that it stuck straight up into the air, and they set him out in a lightning storm, and eternal justice took its course, and his is the one fire ring on the mountain that no one will clean up.

And one took only a single water bottle, and drank it dry in the first hour, and became thirsty, and then hungry as well. And it came to pass that dehydration and hypoglycemia impaired her judgment, and she said unto herself, I will drink from this little stream, and it will give me relief. And she did. But the water thereof was fouled by the blood of the other foolish hikers, and by the excrement of many animals, and she commenced an extended period of projectile vomiting, and of copious expulsion from the other end, and no one would drive her home, and the foolish hiker lost her soul and perished spiritually when she tarried at Sundance and fell among Democrats.

And one made it all the way to the top of the mountain, and then slid down the glacier for fun. But the snow had been melting, and an exposed rock opened a second furrow in his backside, and as he tumbled another rock opened up his belly, and his bowels were filled with pain, and he was sore afraid. But he girded up his loins, and the other parts of him that were hanging out, and stumbled down the trail toward the trailhead. However, because he hadn’t done his research he didn’t know about killer snow holes, and when he found one his pain went away forever.

The five wise hikers slept a little longer, and began hiking at first light. And they were prepared in all things, and persevered to the top of the mountain, and felt that they had been lifted into heaven, which in a way was true.

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